Reclaimmylife

**warning** this is a long one this morning. I just had a lot to say :D

Good morning

I hope this finds you well, I was abstinent yesterday. My day was decent enough I felt a bit better. For the moment I have changed my thinking on the whole work thing. Something my therapist said to me on Monday has struck with me "did you tell him you don't want his advice? Perhaps he thinks he is mentoring you" I laughed initially but then stopped to think about it and it could be a possibility, who knows. I realized it doesn't matter why. I read a story someone posted on face book and that along with what people have told me the last few weeks really got me thinking. Ill post the story further down if you’re interested in reading it. The long and short of it is a cab driver goes to pick up a fare and was going to drive away after waiting but something made them wait. The picked up an older lady, she wanted to drive through down town on the way to her destination, the driver said it was not the quickest way, she said it didn't matter she was on her way to hospice and that she doesn't have long left and she has no one. The drove around for quite a while looking at various places before he dropped her off. Afterwards the driver thought "what if I had been impatient and left or what if she had gotten someone was not having a good day ETC.

I don't know if the story is true or not, I don't really care the message is true. I never know what another person is going through in their life at the moment I encounter them. Be it the rude clerk at the store yesterday, the guy who cut me off i traffic or goes speeding by me. I don't stop to think about these things, I am only concerned about the injustice that they did against ME, how they treated me, how they made me feel. I take little into consideration about what they might be thinking or feeling. Maybe they are going through a bad time, maybe they are not well, or maybe they are just an a-hole. It really doesn't matter what is wrong with them, what matters is how I respond. I have been so on fire and upset about this whole thing I didn't really care about the other person involved, I was only upset about ME and MY feelings on the whole matter. I didn't stop to consider maybe this is all that person has in their life and they are passionate about it.

Maybe that passion comes out wrong, or maybe they are just normally like that but still have good intentions. I don't really know but again it’s not important, it doesn't matter what is wrong with them, well it does *chuckles* but that should not affect how I respond, well that’s not true it should affect how I respond in the sense I should remind myself to be of service ALWAYS. When I am thinking and acting in the best interest of others I do not have time to be selfish and self-serving. I am being stupid about this whole thing, in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter. Rather than throw away the opinion, right or wrong I could acknowledge it and take the usefulness from it and leave the rest. We do have fundamental differences on how I do my job, but that is my own spin on how I do it and my boss and people like it.

It’s not wrong that this person doesn’t like it. That’s just not how they would do it or how they think it should be done. That’s not a crime despite how angry it makes me. Everyone is entitled to their opinion which is what I tell everyone all the time, yet when it comes time to put it into practice, I failed at it. It’s not all bad all the time, I let a few instances get my fur up and now I am resistant to pretty much anything and everything regardless of its helpful or not. I need to put aside my own ego, fear, and pride and just do my damn job. Sure maybe at times I might have to hold my tongue or do something a bit differently, it’s not a bad thing. I won’t change my core approach to how I do my job because it’s how I feel it needs to be done, it’s my artistic expression and how I see it. That doesn’t mean that I always know what is best, at times maybe my way isn’t the best way. I am going to ask for the help to be more focused on other people and not so much caught up in my own BS. Yes I am in pain, yes I don’t feel well most of the time, and nothing is going to change that. However rather than lashing out at those around me I can focus on their wants and needs as long as it doesn’t harm my own well being. I have to learn what is legitimate harm and what I fear/ego/pride based. Ill pray for the help to distinguish that, being co-dependent I don’t always know. It’s amazing how I can go from having these elaborate movies in my mind about imagined confrontations that never happen, to a radical change in how I view things today. It doesn’t mean I am “cured’ or that I won’t slip up and have selfish thoughts again, but at the very least it is a step in the right direction. I really appreciate everything everyone has told me on this subject. It feels good to grow.

Goals for the day

Submit meal plan (done)

Pray & meditate

Pray before/after meals

Be of service where I can

Take recovery actions

Pray and meditate before bed

Last Cab Ride

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase.

The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?' 'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..' The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. 'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said 'You have to make a living,' she answered. 'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you. ‘I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID ~BUT~THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

If you have read to this point, you won't have to be asked to pass it along you just will...Thank you, my friend... Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here, we might as well dance

Good morning

I was abstinent yesterday. The day was ok nothing special really. Still not feeling that great but I got through the day. Last night was week 2 of meetings, was still sitting there by myself. I don't mind really gives me time to sit and think and clear my head. I know that sooner or later people will start to trickle in. That’s how it happened last time. I sit there for a while alone, and then another person comes, and another, It ebbs and flows like the tide. Regardless of how many people show up its gives me a chance to be of service. I am still struggling with my internal dialogue concerning certain people in my life. I create these fantastic confrontations and get all bent out of shape over nothing. As soon as I start I have to tell myself to calm down, that I am being silly and it’s not real. In the heat of the moment it sure feels real. Everything I do work related I have this person on my mind and imagine what they are saying or will say about it. I feel so foolish. I talked about it in therapy the other day, when she said back to me what I said I felt like a fool. In my mind it sounds justified, but when someone else actually talks about it, it sounds ludicrous, which it is. I am working to let go of these types of things, and let go of slights both real and imagined. It’s a work in progress; the serenity prayer is my friend in those times

Goals for the day:

submit meal plan (done)

pray & meditate

pray before/after my meals

text my food sponsor before/after my meals

be of service where I can

take recovery actions

pray & meditate before bed

Reclaimmylife

About Me

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Mr Jones.report.10.8.13

Monday, October 7, 2013

open arms.report.10.7.13

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Dragula.report.10.6.13

Friday, October 4, 2013

the way you love me.report.10.4.13

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Paradise city.report.10.3.13

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Never gonna be alone.report.10.2.13

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

When worlds collide.report.10.1.13