Livin' On A Prayer.report.9.30.13

Good morning

I hope your weekend was well, mine was decent enough.  I did good food wise yesterday all was well and I was abstinent, that is 20 days out of the last 22 abstinent.
I made a little headway on cleaning up my area upstairs.  That’s a project I have been working on for a long time now.  I work pretty slowly at times, but I am doing a little each day, I would like to be one of those people who tackle a project and don't stop till it’s done.  At this point in life that’s not my style so I will continue to work away at it.  It feels good to have things start taking shape and the area to look neater and cleaner.

I worked on letting go of resentments over the weekend, that’s going to be a work in progress but I at least open to working on it.  I have one I didn't think I would let go of because I don't feel like I am doing anything wrong, however after some contemplation it’s not going to serve me to hold onto it.  I really wish I liked camping because I would move to a cabin in the woods and not have to deal with people *chuckles* but that’s not really a good life coping strategy, still it sounds good sometimes.

Ah Monday again, the days and weeks seem to just drift by.  I am going to work a little harder on my recovery and other life goals today.  My life really doesn't have much meaning at this point.  I am not saying that I am useless or that life isn't good.  But I don't have much substance in my life.  The weeks just fade in and out, time slips through my fingers and I feel like I don't have much to show for it.  My biggest fear is to wake up and be 50 and in the same spot I am in now, that terrifies the crap out of me.  That will be a reality unless I do something to change it; I will look at how I can work on that today

Goals for today
mediate & pray (done)
submit meal plan (done)
pray before my meals  and give thanks after
text my food sponsor before and after my meals
be of service where I can
take recovery actions
listen to a positive recording today either a recovery speaker or something on meditation and mindfulness
work on my life goals
work on my area upstairs
meditate & pray before bed

Hero of the day.report.9.29.13

Good morning I hope your weekend is going well.  Mine is not too bad.  Still feeling under the weather but putting one foot in front of the other.  I have 19 days of abstinence out of the last 21 days, with the more recent back to back of 2

There are a lot of stressful things going on around the house, dealing with the relatively well, not dealing with them with food so thankful for that.  The guy at work who bugs me has been on my mind a lot lately.  The desire to know WHY he bugs me so much is becoming obsessive.  I used to be like that, saying whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, I am no longer that person and have not been for quite some time.

  So why he gets under my skin so badly I have no idea.  It’s said what we don't like in others is a reflection in ourselves.  I have been looking hard for that reflection and I cannot see it thus far.  In reality nothing he does impacts my life.  He can bad talk me all he wants (which really bothers me) but he isn't my boss, I can do my job however I want to do it regardless of what he says.  He is constantly offering his "advice" on how I should do my job, I REALLY want to tell him where he can shove his advice.  It’s not bad advice most of the time either but it still just irks the crap out of me when he even opens his mouth in my general direction.  I really want nothing to do with him or anything he has to say.  I realize this isn't a good way to feel and I work on it every day but I just want nothing to do with him what so ever. 

I do have to admit deep down I am just waiting for him to say the right thing so I can tell him how I really feel and tell him off.  Not that it will do anything, it’s not going to change him and despite it making me feel better for a short time I don't think it will generally change the landscape a bit. I am going to work on asking for the strength to be tolerant of him, as long as I am at the radio station I will probably have to deal with him.  I guess maybe that can be a motivating factor to work harder on my program. Working my program will lead to weight loss, weight loss will (hopefully) lead to me feeling better; feeling better will lead to me being able to return to work more than I am.  If I work hard at my craft then I could potentially get a job at another station, or perhaps get some national advertising spots, or who knows.  I just know the weight has to come off in order for me to really get ahead.  I can take steps and move forward as best I can, but until I really feel better and have the stamina, patience and drive to do more I am kind of stuck where I am at.

Goals for the day

pray & mediate (done)

submit meal plan (done)

pray before and after my meals

text my food sponsor before and after my meals

be of service where I can

take recovery actions through my day

pray and meditate before bed

Number of the beast.9.28.13

Good afternoon

yesterday was good I was abstinent.  Things have been challenging the last 48 hours but I haven't felt like eating over it, quite the opposite actually, the last few days my appetite has been diminished

Goals for the day

pray & meditate (done)
submit meal plan (done)
pray before/after my meals
text my food sponsor before/after my meals
be of service where I can
take recovery actions
pray & meditate before bed

Thunderstruck.report.9.27.13

**food mentioned**

Good morning

I hope you had a good day yesterday; my abstinence days will stay at 17 because I had a slip last night.  I had a rough day, it was busy and I was not feeling well. I did well up until last night and I let my guard down.  I was tired and sick and I didn't take the proper recovery actions and thus I wasn't abstinent.  It’s kind of amusing, seeing as how hours before I told someone who was asking how I did it and how "easy" it was for me to do.  I told them it was not easy for any of us, no matter how much time we have in program we are all one misstep away from a slip or relapse.

I could have opted not to go to the store at all last night, or at least sit in the car.  I did not I went in, I did avoid the offer to have some chips, I politely declined saying I did not eat them anymore, and then proceeded to make my way to the ice cream isle where I found something and proceeded to have it purchased.

I did not slip because I had ice cream; it’s not on my binge/trigger list.  If I want to have an ice cream from time to time I could have it.  I cannot eat a Sunday covered with multiple toppings, however a simple cone isn't a danger to me, but I choose not to eat those things.  I slipped yesterday because I did not plan to have that, I didn't check with anyone before having it, and as I stood in the isle I spotted something I had been thinking about for a while and I "wanted" and I had it.

I had been feeling pretty good about the abstinence I had built up and I let my guard down, I am disappointed about it but I don't really feel bad about it, it was a good learning experience to remind me no matter how many actions i take or how well I am doing, if I get distracted or put myself into positions I should not be in, or I am sick that I can slip up very easily.  I am actually glad that it happened.  It was a bitter sweet strengthening experience for me.

Goals for the day

Submit meal plan (done)

Pray & mediate

pray before and after my meals

Text my food sponsor before and after my meals

Be of service where I can

Take recovery actions through my day

Pray & meditate before bed

Time to say goodbye.report.9.26.13

(my God this song is beautiful)  www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsmVnN3pzFI

Good morning

I hope you had a good day yesterday

Mine was decent enough, had some resentments at work but I got over them.  I still really have NO desire to listen to that one guy in the office who wants me to do things "his" way because he doesn't like how I do things.  He isn't my boss, he isn't in charge of my department, I am.  I really have no desire to listen to anything he has to say,  I won't print here what I want to tell him to do *chuckles*  I think he is starting to learn that I am going to do things they way I want to do them regardless of what he wants.  My boss and most people love how I do things; I really don't need him and his crappy attitude bringing me down.  If he would approach me in a friendly manner it would be one thing, but he is a grumpy, nasty man, I have no time or tolerance for him.  I realize I should be forgiving and "love" him, but if I am to be honest I really have NO desire what so ever.  I don't have a place in my life for people who spend their time running everyone else down.  He goes around town bad mouthing me, just like he does everyone else in the office.  The job would be better off without him I think, but that’s not bound to happen anytime soon.  As long as my boss likes what I am doing I will keep it business as usual.  I just have to remember this is a stepping stone to bigger and better things for me.

Yesterday makes 17 days abstinent.  I had the first meeting last night at the hospital; I sat there alone, which was fine.  Would have been nice if people attended, but it is what it is.  Some days I wish I lived someplace like NY where they had so many meetings all hours of the day to choose from it would make your head spin, but I don’t still it would be nice :D

PS: I feel kinda proud of myself yesterday, its getting to be halloween time so naturually we have candy in the office.  I realized it was sitting on the shelf beside me yesterday, I have to be honest I REALLY wanted a piece, but I sat there and kept my hands to myself.  The urge to indulge seems to be not as strong these days, I am very thankful for that

Goals for the day

Submit meal plan

Pray & mediate

Pray before/after meals

Text my food sponsor before/after meals

Be of service where I can

Take recovery actions

Work on listening to a recovery speaker

Pray & mediate before bed

Learning to Fly.report.9.25.13

Good morning I hope this finds you well.

Yesterday was a decent enough day for me.  I had some cravings last night but I did not give in to them.  It seems that doing the right thing is becoming a bit easier.  I have had many thoughts about getting things I should not have as of late but I have been making the right choices.  It feels good to not give in to that little voice in my head like I normally do.  I know that I am not cured, nor do I think I am in control and "I got this" I know I only get a daily reprieve from my disease based on the actions that I take

Goals for the day

I am starting the night meeting back up in town today.  Hopefully as we go along we will gain a good group so we can all experience recovery together.

Pray & mediate (done)

Submit meal plan (done)

Pray before and after my meals

Text my food sponsor before and after my meals

Be of service there I can

Take recovery actions

Pray & mediate before bed

Rock you like a Hurricane.report.9.24.13

Good morning

I hope this finds you well this morning.  I am doing ok.  I got plenty of sleep last night but I actually feel worse this morning than if I only slept 4-5 hours go figure *chuckles*

Yesterday was a decent day for me, day 15 of being abstinent. It feels pretty good to finally be gaining some traction.  It was a busy day for me so I didn't get much else done, we had a double murder in the area so I was at the station most of the day waiting for information.  We live in a very small tight knit community, murder is not something that happens here very often, and the details of it were shocked and really rocked the community.  Thankfully the perp was taken into custody fairly quickly.  It was pretty surprising as it was someone who owns a local business and is relatively well know, you just never know what life has in store for you day in and day out, and you never know about the people that surround you.

Goals for the day

Pray & meditate

Submit meal plan (done)

Pray before/after my meals

Text my food sponsor before/after my meals

Be of service where I can

Take recovery actions

Listen to a speaker file in preparation of tomorrow's meetings

Pray & meditate before bed

Peace of mind.report.9.23.13

**food mentioned**

Good morning 

I hope you had a good weekend.  Mine was decent I had no complaints.

I was abstinent yesterday for day 14.  This WED I will be restarting an OA meeting here in town at the local hospital.  I am grateful that they provide us with space to hold a meeting.  I hope that we get a decent turn out and that people come and participate.  It was too much before to be responsible for everything week in and week out, that goal is to get people to take action, be a part of the group and handle some of the responsibilities so it does not fall on my shoulders all the time.

I feel good about resuming the group, I have learned a lot in my experiences since the last time we had one here locally.  I fear I may have led people astray before with the "progress not perfect" and the "take what you want and leave the rest" I fully appreciate what those phrases mean now.  Before I would hide behind progress not perfection and not have the courage to be honest about myself and what I was doing and what I needed to do for my recovery.  It was progress that I was not eating entire pizzas, however I was still allowing myself to eat other unhealthy items and thinking I was doing "good” Which I was however I was deceiving myself.

The other thing I regret is stressing the "take what you want and leave the rest" I fear that we "left" too much on the table.  In the beginning I took it as I could do what I wanted in the program and leave the things I didn't want to do *chuckles* which as we all know simply doesn't work.  This program is a lot of hard and rigorous work, and I would leave it all if i could because that’s in my addictive nature, I want to do what "I" want, not what someone else tells me to do.  I have since grown to realize that having a sponsor is crucial; I dare say it’s a MUST for the program.  I am not certain how anyone can work the program and not have a sponsor.  I know people who do it, but I also see the results, or lack thereof from doing it "on their own".  I also now see the importance of having a meal plan that is another one of those things that I cannot see the program without.  I feel more confident this time around that I am armed with the facts about myself and the program, that hopefully I can pass on what I have learned and has been taught to me.

Goals for the day

Pray & meditate (done)

Submit meal plan (done)

Pray before/after each meal

Text my food sponsor before/after each meal

Be of service where I can

Take recovery actions through my day 
Pray and meditate before bed.

Drops of Jupiter.report.9.22.13

Good Afternoon
I hope this finds you well.  Yesterday was a decent enough day, it was 13th abstinent day.
not much else to say, it was a pretty quiet day nothing exciting happened.

Goals for today

pray & mediate (done)
submit meal plan (done)
pray before/after my meals
text my food sponsor before/after meals
be of service where I can
take recovery actions through my day
pray & meditate before bed

Mirrors.report.9.21.13

Good afternoon I hope you are having a good day

The sun is shining here it’s a beautiful day; things are a little stressful around the homestead but nothing to eat over.

Yesterday was a good day it made 12 days abstinent with 9 of those back to back.  I felt a little pressure to go to my brothers today, it’s his birthday and they were having a bbq and a party for him, I just felt like I wasn’t ready for that situation just yet.  My other brother also asked me if I would be attending thanksgiving this year, I told  him I wasn’t sure at this point, really I am sure I don’t want to go
*chuckles* but he said I should come anyways they like having me around.  I feel a bit bad but it’s what I have to do for myself.

Goals for the day

Pray & meditate (done)

Submit meal plan (done)

Pray before/after my meals

Text my food sponsor before/after meals

Be of service where I can

Take recovery actions through my day

Pray & meditate before bed.

Walking in Memphis.report.9.20.13

Good morning 

I hope this finds you well this morning.  Yesterday was a decent enough day for me, day 11 of being abstinent.  I had the chance to go into a "health food" store yesterday out of town.  I use the " " because it didn't seem very healthy to me.  It has so many "healthy" sweets that it was ridiculous. Sugar free, or gluten free, everything but sweet free *chuckles* I was looking for vegetarian options but most of the stuff I saw was things I could get in any grocery store.  They had a nice selection of fresh spices but that really wasn't what I was there for.

I had a little incident yesterday where I lost my temper.  Mom needed paperwork from the social security office to submit with some other paper work she has for house hold stuff.  Since I live there I had to get the same paper work, I thought I could just call and get the paper work later on.  I sat in the car for about 1/2 hour while she was in there only to have her come out and tell me I needed to go in and wait in line.  I was not pleased to say the least; I did it but begrudgingly so.

I learned a little something yesterday, I was aggravated at someone who called me for help but really didn’t think what I had to say was a viable option for them.  It’s amusing because that’s how I act a lot of the time, I now know how my sponsors feel *chuckles* I could only share with this person what I have gone through and what has been taught to me.   If they don’t want to listen or are unable to do it there isn’t much I can do, I feel badly that they are struggling because I know all too well how that is.  I also understand how my sponsors feel now.  To see someone struggling and knowing if they follow some simple (but not easy) instructions they can be freed from the trap they are in.  I have come a long ways from where I was, but I still have a ways to go, I also need to pray for the strength to surrender and follow the simple directions of my sponsor.   If I could but do this in as little as a year’s time I could be 150-200 pounds lighter and be that much closer to a life free from this terrible disease, so what the hell is wrong with me?  Each day that goes by “my way” seems less and less of a viable option and actually starts to look like the insanity it actually is.

The rest of the day was good.  I have been watching Undercover boss on Netflix, it’s nice to watch a nice positive show, plus the damn thing always makes me cry *chuckles* yet I keep watching it.

Goals for the day

Pray & Meditate

Submit meal plan (done)

Pray before and after my meals

Text my food sponsor before and after meals

Pray

Be of service where I can

Take recovery actions through my day

Pray and meditate before bed