**Food Mentioned**
Good morning
My name is Greg, I am a grateful
recovering COE, I was not abstinent yesterday.
I totally lost it yesterday, I ended up
in the drive-thru of a place that everyone runs on, originally I was
after a smoothie however the food porn on the board swayed my
judgment, I ended up with a drink that was not a fruit smoothy but a
liquid cookie flavor, and what better to go with that than 2 things
with holes in the middle?
I really didn't give a s*** at the
moment, and at the time it actually made me feel better, until the
guilt set in.
I didn't mention it to anyone because I
was ashamed and went about my day like nothing had happened.
Truth be told I have been off balance
for a couple of weeks now. I have an overwhelming desire to eat,
aside from the fact I am a sick compulsive over eater I am unsure
why. The urge has not been this strong in a long, long time. I have
not broken down and gone to any other drive thoughts, or indulged in
a certain food that comes in a square box and is a round shape.
I feel like I am losing my got d***
mind. I have been praying for help, making out reach calls, going to
meetings, reading literature. I came across a few readings
yesterday, or the day before I cannot remember now that REALLY spoke
to me. They talked about a relationship with my higher power and how
he would be strong when I was weak and carry me through.
I desperately want that, I have prayed,
cried out, cried, begged, pleased for that. I feel like I am not
doing something right, to be honest at this point its really p*****
me off. How much begging do I have to do before my HP, I don't even
know what I expect, my hp's image is that of my best friend who
passed away. When I talk to God, I talk to my friend Jeff. I feel so
cut off and alone, I am taking the actions that have been suggested
by my sponsor, it seems the more I do the worse I feel, I have not
felt this bad in a probably a year, at least not sustained like it
is. The depression is back, the suicidal thoughts are back, its like
WHAT THE F*** I am doing what is suggested and I am getting this? It
wasn't until right now I realized exactly how angry and upset I am
about the whole thing. its been simmering below the surface and I
knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I know when I
talk to Phil he will tell me to pray and meditate on it.
I have to be honest at this point I
have very little faith in prayer, I have been praying for help and
taking actions and I get nothing, not that I am looking for a gift or
gold star but a little frigging help would be nice. I guess while I
am being rigorously honest I am about 2 steps away from saying F it,
I am miserable in program and miserable without it. At this point
its hard to see a difference between the two. Somewhere inside I
know there is, but I cannot see/feel/access that right now. My
therapist recommended I use a “thought log” to write down how I
am feeling, I guess that s what I am doing.
Although I appreciate the kind words
people usually leave after a post like this I am not seeking
attention, only sharing what I am going through in the hopes perhaps
someone else can relate, I am not sure if my intention is for them to
not feel alone, or for me not too. Despite all the people in my
life, all my friends, family, my 12 step family, loopies, sparkers
and everyone else in my life. I feel isolated and alone. I am not
hiding in my room like I used to do, I am getting up everyday and
going out and doing it, yet I still feel alone.
Plan of Action
Pray (when I wake)
Submit meal plan (6am)
Call Phil (6am)
Pray before/after meals
Text Phil before/after meals
Refresh step 2 in 12/12 (7-8)
read pages 83-88 in BB (7-8)
Read Daily Readers (7-8)
Read 20 pages in my VO book (8-9)
Check out 1 website (9-930)
Attend 9:45 phone meeting (945-1045)
Listen to VO my lesson from the weekend
(11-12)
Make 2 outreach calls (12-1)
