Rockstar.report.11.26.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering Compulsive Overeater, I was abstinent with my food yesterday, but I ate rather quickly and it felt compulsive so its something I will watch today

Plan of Action

Pray
Self-Care
pray and have my Snack
Work
Submit Meal Plan
Call Phil
Mini-Meeting @6:30
pray and text phil have breakfast
8:00 or 9:45 meeting
Be of Service
Listen to VO Video Blog
Look up information on College Courses
pray and text phil have Lunch
Read 20 Pages in my Vo book
Read Step 2 in OA 12/12
Read Step 2 in AA 12/12
pray and text phil havesnack
Make 2 Outreach calls
Make 1 Outreach call to someone I have not called befor
pray and text phil have Supper

hotel California report.11.24.13

(this is a long one, apparently I had a lot to say today)

Good morning

my name is Greg I am a grateful recovering Compulsive Overeater I am happy to report I was abstinent yesterday.

Its been a rough few weeks, I never “left” but I really wasn't in either (if that makes sense) Most people talk about going out, basically I kept coming back everyday but I wasn't being abstinent.

Some days I outright lied about it, other days I lied and didn't realize I was, I felt like I was abstinent and I fooled myself, other times I just swept it under the rug because it was “no big deal” I apologize for lying to you. The one thing I know about myself is I am a liar and an addict, or perhaps I am a liar because I'm an addict. I guess it really doesn’t matter why, I lie to myself and other people, well I want to say all the time but that is not true. I often use lies intentionally and unintentionally in order to deal with things in my life. If I messed up and don't want to feel the shame of upsetting people or feeling like they will be mad at me or I let them down, I lie. If I f***** up yet again and I feel so ashamed of myself and I just feel stupid, I lie. I don't lie all the time though, as a matter of fact most of the time I am pretty truthful these days, but the times I am not have a lasting impact on my life.

I woke up this morning from a 3-4 days binge, it wasn't all at once but I didn't follow my meal plan, I ate binge foods, in some cases I overate. I find it hard to say I “binged” when I only ate “one” sweet or one slice of this or one bowl of that, I rationalize that its on my no fly list, but I didn't eat a ton of it so why is it a binge? That sort of thinking drives me crazy, I guess it doesn’t matter of I eat and entire box of this or a whole package of that....I am still not abstinent and those are the terms I need to think in. I need some areas of my life to be black and white..either I was abstinent or not abstinent. I am still trying to figure out exactly what that means for me, but I am getting there. I have very good guidance from my sponsor and 12 step brothers and sisters. Now I just have to pray for the strength, and humility to be willing to go to any lengths. I have never gone to any lengths for anything in my entire life not even food. Sure Ill go a ways for food but even then if it becomes too much work too complicated I will abandon it, just like everything else in my life

I had to be honest this weekend with my voice coach that I put in the bare amount of work necessary to prepare for my lessons but I still meet his expectations. That kind of fluffed my ego a bit to think I didn't do crap but I still showed up and did a good job.

He was disappointed and said if he knew that s how it was going to be from the beginning he never would have agreed to help me, that I wasted his time, the time of the folks helping me pay for it, and he said more importantly I wasted my own time. He wasn't mad, or upset..he just laid it out on the table..I committed to him I would work on my career daily. He also said that I met his expectations because he had none. I walked in off the street and started doing radio and voice over so he didn't expect much from me, that kind of took the wind out of my sails, however I do have a spark of talent and if I work hard I can turn that into something. I am going to send him an action plan for my VO work just like I do for my OA work. Those 2 aspects of my life are tied together. I need to do the work in both of them to be successful, but I am finally starting to get it, that OA & Recovery need to be first before everything. If I cannot be abstinent I cannot recover, if I cannot recover I cannot lose the weight, if I cannot lose the weight I can't start to feel better and put the effort in I need to make my dreams come true.

We have been working on a piece for a few weeks called The Tell Tale Heart. He said I did the best job on that piece than I did anything else he has ever given me. He also said that he didn't feel like I would ever commercial work, which is the basic ads that you hear on the tv/radio everyday. I have not been able to grasp the concepts of a “conversational” read. However when put in a position to actually have to act or go over the top I seem to excel at that. I had said in the beginning I wanted to work in commercials, movies, tv, video games, animation...whatever I possibly could....After this weekend he said he feels like acting is what I am going to become good at and I should find some acting classes to take. The disease part of me is telling me I am not good enough, that I cannot just at 42 years old just become an actor of any sort. People have those dreams everyday and are not able to realize them. I know what I want, I am not sure how to get there but I know what I want to do, now I just have to put the work in. I cannot be afraid anymore, I cannot be lazy anymore...I must do the work in all aspects of my life. Most importantly I must do the work in my program, I must become willing to go to any lengths necessary. When I do this the rest of the pieces of the puzzle of my life will start to lock into place and my path to wherever my HP wants me to go will open up.

Years ago my best friend told me I needed to do stand-up comedy, when we were together I was free to be myself, but I was scared and lazy (mostly scared) I could see myself doing it, I could see myself going to Hollywood and becoming famous. It wasn't a delusion of grandeur, it was a possibility. I also know I would have burned bright and died young, My disease would have drunk that all in and killed me I have no doubt about that. Now here I am again at that cross roads, I am still scared, but now I have program and a higher power in my life, and if I put those things first and trust that my HP has my back, I will be prepared to handle whatever might come my way, will I be in movie and be famous? I have no idea, maybe, maybe not. I do know that whatever happens, wherever I go I will be prepared to handle it, and as long as I stay close to program and my HP my disease won't have the chance to chew me up, spit me out and kill me.

Action Plan for the Day

Pray

Self-Care

Snack

Work

pray, text phil and have Breakfast then give thanks

allergy shot

9:45 meeting

therapy

pray and have my snack give thanks

make 2 outreach calls

pray, text phil and have lunch

make 2 out reach texts

reach OA 12/12

pray and have my snack and give thanks

read my VO book

watch VO video

pray, text phil and have supper then give thanks

self-care

pray

bed

Same Old Lang Syne.report.11.21.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering Compulsive Over Eater, I was not abstinent yesterday.

I am not really sure whats going on these days, I have been out of sorts the last few weeks. Life seems to be spinning more out of control each and every day that goes by . I've been praying when I get up and before my meals, I've worked on getting back into as many phone meetings as I can.

Still I am run down and not feeling well, I truly am powerless over the food and I have just been giving in the last few weeks. Prayer and turning it over to my HP seems doesn’t seem to be working at all.

The ongoing suggestion is to turn it over and let my HP handle things and I need a power greater than myself. At this point I really don't know what that looks like or how to do it. I start my day off with prayers from program and ask for help to get through my day, at various times during my day I say quick small prayers asking for help, it all seems useless because I am still suffering.

I am starting to get resentful at being told to let my HP handle things because he doesn't seem to be doing anything. I am doing the best I can at the work, yet the compulsion is still here, in full force and as deadly as ever

All I know how to do is keep coming back like I have done for the last 4 years. Yesterday someone asked me if I thought I would ever get recovery, and I said yes without missing a beat if I just keep coming back I will recover, but as I sit here this morning those words hold little value to me.

My blood sugars have been running really high as of late which in turn makes me feel like crap. I have been off my meal plan a little bit here and there, but nothing to justify how high my sugars have been running. I'm going to email my Dr for suggestion

Plan of Action

pray

self-care

snack

work

voice exercises

send meal plan

send report

call Phil

mini-meeting

breakfast

9:45 meeting

snack

make 2 out reach calls

lunch

make 2 out reach texts

snack

be of service

supper

self-care

bed

Epiphany.report.11.19.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering Compulsive Over Eater, I was abstinent yesterday

Plan of Action

pray
self-care
snack
work
mini-meeting
breakfast
945 meeting
make 2 outreach calls
snack
make 2 out reach texts
lunch
work on Tell Tale Heart Script
Work on christmas music
snack
Read over Step 3 info
supper
self-care
pray
bed

Sweet Child of Mine.report.11.17.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering Compulsive Over Eater and I was abstinent yesterday

I choose to give away my abstinence on Saturday. I attended a birthday party for a family member and committed to my sponsor about what my plan was, and the food I was going to stay away from. Once I got there and saw all the food in front of me, the plan went out the window. I ate every food I said I would not consume, some of them binge foods. It was a very disappointing day for me, next time I will either eat before I go, or perhaps even take my own food. My sponsor suggested getting up and excusing myself under those circumstances and going to call someone.

I have started today off great. I got up early, prayed, watched last nights walking dead, weighed and measured had my snack, did self-care and got off to work. I look forward to a great rest of the day

Plan of Action

Pray

snack

self-care

work

service

mini-meeting

pray and have breakfast

text Phil before/after my meal

9:45 meeting

snack

make 2 outreach calls

pray and have lunch

text Phil before/after my meal

make 2 out reach texts

read my VO script

something to remind you.report.11.13.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering Compulsive Over Eater, I was abstinent yesterday

I was able to unload some darkness I had been hiding deep inside of me for most of my life this morning, it feels cleansing to get those secrets out in the open and not have the person judge me or walk away from me..

I believe that I have not attained long term, lasting sobriety because I don't deserve it. I still harbor guilt and shame from things that were done to me and that I did to others through my life. My actions that impacted and scarred another person seem unforgivable to me. I believe this is the reason I have not fully surrendered and let my HP take my transgressions from me, I don't feel like I deserve to have a happy, sane, useful life because others touched by my BS still suffer. People can tell me all day that I am not responsible for the things that happen in their lives, but when the things I have done may have touched off the path they are on, I don't know how to find lasting forgiveness no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I beg and plead, I am still stuck in the darkness, still punishing myself.

For this very minute I have a little peace and serenity as I write this, the fear is just below the surface that it will not last but I am doing my best to ignore that. I will do my best to stick close to program today and work my action plan

Plan of Action

Pray

snack

self-care

work

mini-meeting

breakfast

9:45 meeting

be of service

snack

make 2 out reach calls

lunch

make 2 out reach texts

snack

work on my VO homework

Read my BB

supper

self-care

pray

bed

dragula.report.11.10.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering Compulsive Over Eater, I was abstinent yesterday

plan of action

pray

snack

self-care

work

mini-meeting

breakfast

allergy shot

9:45 meeting

snack

therapy appointment

lunch

do 2 out reach texts

put together VO files book

read Tell Tale Heart script

do VO exercises

snack

do 2 out reach calls

supper

self-care

pray

bed

stronger.report.11.7.14

Good morning
my name is Greg, I am a grateful recovering Compulsive Overeater, I was abstinent yesterday

I was slippery in my food preparation (picking) I need to be on point with this stuff because it leads to more compulsive behavior.  For today I will prepare my food ahead of time with no picking


Plan of Action

pray
snack
self-care
work
voice exercises
stretching
send meal plan
send report
send words-gratitude list
call phil
mini-meeting (read daily readers)
breakfast
make 2 out reach texts
9:45 meeting
make 2 out reach calls
snack
listen to one voice over talent
look over my scripts for tomorrow
listen to section on awaken st script, practice 3 times
lunch
do an outreach visit
snack
clean up one corner of my room
supper
self-care
pray
bed

voodoo.report.11.6.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering compulsive over eater, I was abstinent yesterday

I had a decent enough day yesterday, I was over tired and it was busy but I got through it. I went to lunch with a buddy and he offered me left overs to take home to my mom, of course I accepted them ;) but on the way home as I was trying to decide if I would eat them straight away or wait till later so I could count it as “legal” I knew I had to not only throw them away, but open the container and dump it into the trash so I would not pull it back out. I have many hang ups when it comes to food, freshness and things of that nature, so thankfully my compulsive nature in that area is actually helpful at times. I will never pull anything out of the trash that I think has touched something else, now if I left it in the container and gently placed it on top, that's not really eating out of the trash is it ;) oh the lies I can tell myself. I took the right action and listened to my HP voice inside of me and dumped it out and went about my business.

Walking into work today I realized I feel pretty good (for me) I sometimes get lost in the thinking that I never feel good, ever. While that is true I failed to realize until this morning that despite not being 100% and feeling well rested and “Good” every morning, I can feel as good as I can be. Little mental tweaks (or hacks) like that have played a difference in my life and recovery. I highly recommend hacking life to suit my needs ;)

Plan of Action

pray

self-care

snack

sent meal plan

sent report

sent words/grat list

mini-meeting with SB

pray/text phil & have breakfast

take meds

catch part of 9:45 meeting

pray/text phil & have snack

take friend to appointment

pray/text phil & have lunch

go to appointment

work on veterans day show

listen to VO actors and lesson from last week

practice scripts 3 times

make 2 out reach texts

pray/text phil & have snack

make 2 outreach calls

pray/text phil & have supper

start self-care at 5pm

take meds

pray

bed by 6pm

awake and alive.report.11.4.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was not abstinent yesterday.

I have been feeling poorly the last few weeks to due sinus/flu issues.  Yesterday I went out to shovel and afterwards I had some tightness in my chest, and my heart didn't feel right.  After some humming and hawning I went to get checked out at the hospital, praying the whole way I didn't pass out behind the wheel.  After 3 hours or so it was deemed I was ok, all the tests were fine, nothing showed I had any sort of heart issues.  I need to follow up with my DR on Thur which I have an appointment scheduled.  So after that whole scare what is the first thing I did? I went and got a fried substance I had discussed with my sponsor I would like to get away from.

I was scared that I had some serious health issues going on, and when I find out I am alright the first thing I do is run and get something unhealthy, its just baffling.

For today I am going to eat healthy and stick with my meal plan


Plan of Action

Pray
Snack
work
submit meal plan
call phil
mini meeting
daily readers
vote
breakfast
errands
snack
9:45 meeting
lunch
read BB
make 2 out reach calls
make 2 out reach texts
snack
listen to VO files
practice VO scripts
supper

domino.report.11.3.14

Good morning

My name is Greg, I am a grateful recovering COE. I was abstinent yesterday, however I was slippery with my food. I didn't have a plan and I did not weight/portion things out. I do not believe I overate but still it was not a black and white abstinent day. I will do better today, my plan is in place

I am finally starting to feel better. I have not been on the loop as of late due to being sick, and because my main email address was booted off the loop for technical issues and I forget to use my new one

Plan of Action

Breakfast

submit meal plan

call phil

morning mini-meeting

read daily readers

self-care get feeling better

make 2 out reach texts

make 2 out reach calls

work on veterans day project

work on voice over scripts

listen to VO files