best of you.report.1.31.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE and I as abstinent yesterday
Not much to report really, yesterday was an ok day I struggled with severe anger issues as I was not feeling well.  I just wanted to be left along yet the world kept bugging me at every turn.  When I feel like that I generally stay away from the rest of humanity, it’s not isolating, its dealing with my issues and not taking it out on others, I know what isolating is.

Plan of action for the day

Prayed (done)
Meditated (done)
Submitted meal plan (done)
Stick to meal plan as written and report any changes
Pray before and after meals
Text Phil before and after meals
Reach out to others by phone
Take recovery actions by reading literature and listening to files

something to remind you.report.1.29.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday.

Yesterday wasn’t bad at all; I was really worn out and grumpy for no particular reason.  I got some good sleep the night before but my batteries ran out between 1-2 pm yesterday.

That aside my day was not that bad.  I am struggling with having someone in my space; I have a friend who is staying with us as they put their life together.  I am extremely off kilter with having someone in my space affecting my routine.   I have no place to retreat to in the house anymore except the bathroom, and even then Rodney insists on keeping me company (picture below)

I guess I don’t like having someone else losing the battle to their addiction so close to my own space.  They were talking about the stomach problems they were having and how they don’t feel like eating, I said that drinking probably isn’t helping.  I cannot put what they said back to me *chuckles* but I said that the drink is killing them, they said they know.  Not really sure what you can do with someone who knows they are killing themselves but cannot find a way to take action. 

  This last year or so has been a good learning experience for me though.  I always thought I wanted to be a therapist, or drug and alcohol counselor, now I am not so sure.  I don’t mind helping or listening to people, to an extent; I am just not sure I could make a career out of it.  I do envision myself being a personal trainer down the road when I am mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy.  Working with people who want to take action that I can get behind, or at least I think I can.  Who knows what might happen when I have my spiritual awakening, I have no doubt things will change for the better in my life that I have faith in.  Whether or not the fundamental feeling inside me about helping people and in what manner changes I have no idea.   I pretty much like doing program work with people, even though currently I feel like crap which affects my mood, I am confident when I no longer suffer from the crushing weight of, well all this weigh that I will feel better.  I have some issues that I will have the rest of my life, but to be able to wake up every day and feel refreshed and not tired is a gift I cannot wait to unwrap, I cannot recall a time when I did not wake up tired, grumpy, and worn out.

I see flashes of what the future may hold for me and some of them make sense and I know they will be good; I just have to get there.  Other things that I “thought” I wanted to do are not so clear anymore.   This is a great example of living in the now because I will not know what’s going to happen until I get to that point in time.   I often have what I call awake dreams, where I will get a flash of the future and what could lie ahead for me, they are vivid, real, and I can almost touch/taste/feel them.  They are different say from my day dreams of being a rock star *chuckles* it’s almost like flashes of what is to come, IF I do the work to get there.   I believe they are my HP showing me what is possible if I would just surrender and get with the program.  I am a world away from where I was last year at this time, I can see that.  I am not perfect, far from it and never will be, but I can still feel a little piece of something holding on inside of me.  It’s kind of like as a child when that tooth is just hanging there and you want it to come out so bad, but it’s just hanging on.   Well ok that analogy made a lot more sense in my mind , now that it’s out I am not so sure it applies *chuckles*   I have had similar awake dreams in the past.  There was a time I could “see” myself being a successful standup comedian.  When my best friend was alive we fed off each other, I could be myself around him which allowed me to fully tap into my potential without fear.  He often told me I should go into standup, but I was so afraid of failure that it paralyzed me.  With a lot of hard work I truly believe that I could have attained fame and fortune with him at my side helping me write material.  I could SEE that future in my mind crystal clear, it was real yet fear kept me from it; or perhaps it was my HP at work before I realized it.  If that dream had become reality I would not be here right now, I would have crashed and burned in a spectacular tragic ball of fire, either drugs or alcohol would have gotten me.  For once in my life I believe fear saved my life.  Now I stand at the cross roads again, and I have amazing potential and possibilities in front of me.  Nothing will be possible without this program and my HP’S help, and learning the value of hard work.  I am kind of lazy a lot of the time, only doing as much as it takes to get by.  This is both a blessing and a curse at times, sometimes it keeps me in a holding pattern until I learn a lesson and I am ready to move forward.  I am slowly learning all the time; all I can do right now is suit up, show up and do the work every day.

Plan of action

Pray (did it as soon as I woke)

Submitted meal plan (yes all done)

Stick to meal plan as written and report any changes

Make daily call to Phil (done)

Pray before and after my meals

Text Phil before and after my meals

Make 2 recovery calls today and be of service

Read positive literature and listen to positive files

Rodney laying in a pile of catnip, he say's stop judging him

Rodney drinking out of the bathroom sink

when Im gone.report.1.28.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful, recovering COE and I was abstinent yesterday.

Well that statement isn’t entirely true, I sure don’t feel grateful this morning, I feel tired, cranky and pissed off.

It was an extremely long day yesterday; we were gone for about 10 ½ hours to medical appointments for mom.  We only had to travel an hour away but blinding snow, and treacherous roads made the trip that much more stressful.  Mom didn’t want to put the appointment off despite how bad the weather was.  The people on the road……Well I won’t unleash the stream of profanity that is brewing inside of me, I am grateful we made it home safely, and it was just barely thanks to a few truck drivers and delivery drivers.  One person driving a fuel delivery truck tail gated me in blinding snow, on snow covered roads, had I needed to stop for any reason I would have had a fuel truck in the front seat with me.

I was very cautious in my driving especially last night in the dark, myself and the driver in front of me decided that 35-40 miles an hour was fast enough given the fact we were driving in white out conditions most of the time.  We the A-HOLE in the tractor trailer behind us apparently was very upset, not only did they pass us on a hill, but scared the crap out of both vehicles when blasting his horn on the way bye.  Thankfully I was only startled for a minute and didn’t make any sudden moves.  I SOOOO badly wanted to catch up to him and get his company information to publicly shame him.  Apparently my HP didn’t think that was a good idea because he kept me going 35-40mph the rest of the trip.  I am a little ashamed to admit that I kind of prayed to come around a corner and see that person on his side in a ditch, not hurt of course, just wanted to see some consequences from their actions.

In the grand scheme of things it all worked out how it was supposed to, a part of me still wants a little retribution but I will get over it *chuckles* 

Actually after all that bitching I didn’t even get to the really good news, it appears my mom is cancer free.  The hospital here made an error in their report, and that error was compounded by a nurse who took it upon themselves to say in their “opinion” it looked like breast cancer.  Our family has been all upset for a week or so now, my mom has been scared to death, we risked our lives to get to an appointment yesterday that we didn’t really need to get too after all.  I might just go back to bed actually because I am pretty irate with the rest of humanity at this point *Chuckles* I thought I was pretty good this morning but after thinking about that stuff yesterday I am wound right back up.  I don’t feel like eating over it though so I am grateful for that

Plan of action

Prayed (did it soon as I woke)

Submit meal plan (done)

Stick to meal plan as written report any changes

Call Phil with my daily call (done)

Pray before and after meals

Text Phil before and after meals

Make at least 2 recovery calls

Read some literature and listen to files

twisted transistor.report.1.27.14

Good morning

my name is Greg, I am a grateful recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday

nothing to say this AM, got moms first appointment upcountry.

Plan of Action

pray (soon as I woke up)
submit meal plan (done)
stick to meal plan as written report any changes
pray before and after my meals
text Phil before and after meals
call Phil daily (done)
make at least 2 recovery calls
read literature, listen to files

red red wine.report.1.25.14

Good afternoon

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was not abstinent yesterday

I slipped up and had a “treat”.  There was no reason why aside from I wanted it and I had it, I was run down and exhausted yesterday, not that I makes it acceptable; but when I am like that my defenses are at their lowest.

The gravity of moms health issues are really starting to weight on me, as is what is coming over the next year or so.  It was only 3 years ago that I helped and cared for my best friend as he battled and ultimately died from cancer.  I was of service and took him everywhere he needed to go, whatever appointments he had we always went together.  They were long trips that taxed me but still I did what I had to do.  I now know why I am still here living with mom and in my hometown, it’s because I need to be. There were a few opportunities for me to perhaps move elsewhere but they just did not feel right at the time and now I know why.  My place is here to help her through this, no one else in the family is in the position to do what must be done, at least now I know my purpose and that feels good.

Plan of action

Pray (did it)

Submit meal plan (done)

Stick to meal plan as written report any changes

Pray before and after meals

Text Phil before and after meals

Make my daily call to phil (done)

Call other people

Read some literature

Mediate (done)

now the struggle has a name.report.1.24.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday.

I did have an issue with not eating properly yesterday, I was out running around too long and didn’t properly plan in between meals/snacks.   I had some soda to right myself due to starting to feel sick from low blood sugar.  Obviously that is not the best choice I could have made, in those movements when I really start to drop I get dizzy, a severe headache, I get scared honestly.  I feel like I am going to hit the floor where I stand.  I realize that not keeping a proper eating schedule be it poor planning or life just getting in the way is my responsibility.
 I use the soda as a crutch because it brings me back up quickly and elevates my symptoms.

 I discussed with my food sponsor today about finding a “bar” that I can keep in the car so if/when this may happen I am prepared.  The challenge is finding something that doesn’t taste like a candy bar to me, otherwise I might be having low blood sugar “often” I will work on finding whatever tastes the least like a candy bar or “treat” and use that.  I have to be very vigilant because even positive actions can become compulsive on me in the blink of an eye
I learned some helpful things this morning as well, I learned that reaching out and helping people is about helping keep me abstinent, if people don’t wish to hear whatever suggestions or ESH I am sharing it’s not my issue or problem, I am doing the work to keep myself sober, I cannot and should not try and fix anyone else.  In the future I will work to make sure I only share what I am doing and not get frustrated at others, I have my own program to work I cannot do anyone else’s for them.

It’s a little challenging at my home right now; I have a house guest I am helping about because they are having a very difficult time.  So now I have 2 other people in the home who have substance abuse issues.  When I say substance I don’t mean primarily drugs, because to me substance means, food, sex, drugs, alcohol.   I am trapped in between two people dealing with their own issues and demons; I have been extremely grumpy and short latterly, taking inventories and being judgmental.  A majority of the issue is I just feel run down and crappy pretty much all the time.  It takes a considerable amount of energy to stay focused in the moment and be mindful of my mood, I try and regulate how I speak to people but most of the time I just want to be left along and not talked too, not in a isolating type of way, just the average day to day peppering of questions I get wears on my already frayed nerves.

But I am not different than anyone else, we all have our issues and problems to deal with, I have not gone out and bought a XXXX and eaten the whole thing by myself so I am thankful for that.
I also need to focus more on reaching out to people by phone; I have no good excuse why I am not doing it.  If anyone could use a call during the day please sent me your phone number and when is a good time of day to phone you, I will simply be calling to checking in and see how you are doing, to be of service and do something for someone else.  Actually I did call and leave a msg with one person and I took a call from another person, it’s not like I did nothing with the phone but I could have done better.  Phil has only asked me to make at least 2 calls a day, even if it’s only leaving a message, that is very doable.


Plan of Action:

Pray (did it, granted I did it right now but I got it done)
Submitted meal plan (done)
Stick to my meal plan as written, report any changes
Pray before and after my meals
Text Phil before and after my meals
Pray
Call Phil and give my daily report (done)
Make 2 calls to find out how other people are doing, this is service
Read a few pages in my 10 minute Zen book, listen to an audio file and read/highlight in my big book

summer of 69.report.1.23.14

Good morning

my name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday

Didn't sleep well last last night but I will live ;)

Plan of action:

pray (soon as my feet hit the floor)
submit meal plan (done)
stick to meal plan and report any changes
pray before and after meals
text Phil before and after meals
make my daily call to Phil (done)
reach out to others and make calls
read program literature and 10 minute zen
listen to speaker files and meditation file

pompii.report.1.22.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday
I had a decent day yesterday, not much to report it was business as usual.  I was a bit cranky and tried to limit it as best I could.  I need to learn what tone of voice I am using, a lot of the time I do not realize it and it’s hurtful to some.

Plan of Action for the Day
Pray (did it as soon as my feet hit the floor)
Submitted meal plan (done)
Stick to meal plan as written
Pray before and after meals
Call Phil before and after meals
Reach out to others by making calls
Take recovery actions by reading and listening to positive files

we belong.report.1.20.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am grateful recovering COE I was abstinent yesterday.

Not much to report today pretty quiet yesterday and today.  I did have a great BB meeting with Phil yesterday; I learned a lot and had some light bulbs go off above my head, especially concerning service and helping others.

I have long believed that people even negative or difficult people have something to teach us even if its only not to act like they do.  We used to have a person that came to a 12 step meeting that people just did not like.  He was mmmm unique is a good word, not a bad fella but he rubbed everyone the wrong way and he was treated poorly in meetings by just about everyone.  That stopped me from going for a while because it seemed to violate traditions one, three, and five, at least in my mind.  The one thing about the rooms I love most is we are ALL equal, no one is any better or worse than anyone else, yet that is not always the case.  It’s hard to remember that people are people when I am in the rooms because I cling so tightly to the foundation of all are welcome.  I didn't have the courage to speak up and say something, fortunately a young new 18 year old member called the group out on their crap.

The guy I am talking about thanked me a few times because I treated him just like everyone else, I enjoyed his shares even if they were wacky sometimes *chuckles* he had just as much right to be there as any of us, that being said I have had some people in meetings I just did not care for personally, but I try to remember the lesson that everyone has a lesson for us.  I took the long way to get to the point that in my dealing with people I have become frustrated at certain things and discussing them yesterday during the BB meeting helped me to remember that we are all welcome, we all have something to contribute, and even if the other person isn't "getting it" that its helping me remind what my life was like before I "got it" and where my life can go back to if I don't work this program.  Phil always used to thank me for calling him; I never understood that in the beginning.  I would call and often cry literally about the mistakes I made, or how awful I was feeling.  When I hung up I almost always felt better because he had the message I needed to hear, he would thank ME for helping HIM.  That used to baffle the hell out of me, I called him for help and to complain how as that helping? But now I understand, now I know what a symbiotic relationship this program is, how even when calling him for help or to "take" I am giving him something.  I need to remind myself of this lesson everyday so I don't fall into resentments; I need to be thankful for the opportunities I get to be of service to others.
The Service theme continued yesterday during the skype meeting.  There were only a few of us present but I felt like it was a strong and powerful meeting.

When there are just a few people at a meeting sometimes we choose what to do, yesterday we made the choice to grab Voices of Recovery and pick a topic and do readings, and service was the topic.  We took turns reading and discussing, some great stuff came out of it.  I really enjoy the free flowing meetings as much as I do the regular meetings.  I am very grateful to those people who showed up because they helped me stay abstinent yesterday by allowing me to be of service

Plan of Action

Submit meal plan (done)
Stick to meal plan as written report any changes
Pray before and after my meals
Text Phil before and after my meals
Call Phil with my daily call (done)
Be of service by making 2 calls
Take recovery actions by doing readings, reading my 10 minute zen book, listen to a speaker file/meditation file

its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.report.1.17.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday

It seems like it’s been a while since I have been able to start one of these off with some upbeat and positive news.  My initial reaction is to just keep quiet and deal with it on my own, but that’s part of how I got up to 550 pounds.
We had to put down one of our cats yesterday.  Archie was a unique and cute little fellow in his own right, Archie was a wild cat my mom tamed and brought into the home.  He came to her sick, with a broke tail, fearful of humans and in need of help.   She took him to the vet and got him all fixed up.  Often times he was like a bull in a china shop, being chubby and clumsy things would usually go flying as he ran across the counter, or whatever other surface he jumped up onto

In recent months he became sick and had chronic diarrhea, I know that’s gross, BELIEVE me I know that’s grow; we found it all over the house, some of his favorite places to sit were the counter, table, stove (yep)
He was such a loving cat, he only wanted to be with people and sit on you, as you can imagine when a cat has a problem with things leaking out of him at any given time, one might not be that excited to have him on them.
At times I chased him away, other times I showed compassion and found a blanket or town to put on me so he could lay on me and get some pets and contact, well at least until the inevitable happened then I lovingly shooed him down.
Things had gotten drastically worse the last few weeks, and very bad on WED.  We had him on medication for months now, sometimes it was successful; most of the time not.

I struggled to find a way to help the poor little fellow, but the vet finally told mom yesterday there was nothing more that could be done  She made a choice to take him down to the vet while I was napping and have him put to sleep.  Just further reminders that life doesn’t slow down, or cut us breaks regardless of what is going on, it’s still going to happen whether we want it to or not.
Despite being sad it helps remind me to be mindful and grateful for the people and animals I have in my life, you never know when they will be gone.  Archie was just alive yesterday morning, the last image I have of him was looking up at me from the porch wanting to come back in the house; but we had to keep him outside because he was having too many accidents.  I prayed for a sign to know what the best thing to do for him was.  Aside from his issue he didn’t seem to be suffering or sick.  He was so loving, I didn’t want to cut his life short , I just kept thinking that he was looking up at me saying “help me”  or let me in…either or.  Thankfully my mom made the choice and took him to the vet, initially it was put on me to take him down and I really didn’t want to do it.  I got woken up soon after she left and tried to reach her by phone so I could take him down, he was her cat and I know it would be hard on her; but she got it done.

In my email this morning I saw this

We are sad to report that Rozanne S., the CoFounder of Overeaters Anonymous, died peacefully last night,  January 15th.   She was a gutsy and courageous lady and our hearts are full of gratitude for her many years of service to compulsive eaters everywhere.

I'm sure we speak for all of you in expressing our deepest sympathy to Rozanne's family and close friends.


It will be more significant for my fellow OA members, but still I am filled with sadness and gratitude for this woman I have never met, yet gave us a program that is saving our lives.

I have to be honest, for all my positive quotes, the upbeat talk that I use, and the positive actions I try to take, I feel like a fraud because in reality I just want to pull the covers up over my head and not deal with life.  Although that IS an option, it’s not really an option.  The only bright sliver I have to hold onto this morning is I am not eating over my feelings; still I don’t want to deal with it.  Yet here I am, I came back, that has to count for something even thought it doesn’t feel like it this morning.

Plan of action
Pray (as soon as my feet hit the floor)
Submitted meal plan (done)
Stick to my meal plan as written report any changes
Pray before and after my meals
Text phil before and after my meals
Call Phil to report in (done)
Be of service my making at least 2 recovery calls
Take recovery actions by reading more in my 10 minute zen book and listen to some files on meditation

kickstart my heart.report.1.16.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful, recovering COE I was abstinent yesterday.

Long day, didn’t sleep well the night before but I did what I had to do.  Was on the road most of the day traveling that went relatively well.  For yesterday I managed to remain calm and patient with my mom as we were on our trip.  Normally I am on edge and grumpy especially when over tired, but I was kind and compassionate.  The new she received a few days ago helped drive home the importance of living one day at a time and being mindful and present.   

I am readying a great little book called 10 minute zen.  It was sat on my shelf for years; it became a bathroom book, I read a few pages here and there.  I actually started to get a little deeper into the book and have been reading it more.  I am very fascinated and interested in the concept of Zen.  The things the book lays out are great things to incorporate into my life; I also see a lot of similarities and shades of program in it.

I am finally starting to understand what my sponsors went through dealing with me, and the importance of following direction even if I don’t understand or see the value in it.  It’s kind of amazing to me how clear these things are now and how baffled I was by them before this clarity

Plan of action for the day

Pray (did it soon as my feet hit the floor)

Submit meal plan (done)

Stick to my meal plan as written and report changes to Phil

Pray before and after my meals

Text Phil before and after my meals

Do daily call to Phil

Reach out to others to find out how they are doing

Continue to read my 10 minute Zen book