Good morning
My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was
abstinent yesterday.
Yesterday wasn’t bad at all; I was really worn out and
grumpy for no particular reason. I got
some good sleep the night before but my batteries ran out between 1-2 pm
yesterday.
That aside my day was not that bad. I am struggling with having someone in my space;
I have a friend who is staying with us as they put their life together. I am extremely off kilter with having someone
in my space affecting my routine. I
have no place to retreat to in the house anymore except the bathroom, and even
then Rodney insists on keeping me company (picture below)
I guess I don’t like having someone else losing the battle
to their addiction so close to my own space.
They were talking about the stomach problems they were having and how
they don’t feel like eating, I said that drinking probably isn’t helping. I cannot put what they said back to me
*chuckles* but I said that the drink is killing them, they said they know. Not really sure what you can do with someone
who knows they are killing themselves but cannot find a way to take action.
This last year or so has been a good learning
experience for me though. I always
thought I wanted to be a therapist, or drug and alcohol counselor, now I am not
so sure. I don’t mind helping or
listening to people, to an extent; I am just not sure I could make a career out
of it. I do envision myself being a
personal trainer down the road when I am mentally, physically, and spiritually
healthy. Working with people who want to
take action that I can get behind, or at least I think I can. Who knows what might happen when I have my
spiritual awakening, I have no doubt things will change for the better in my life
that I have faith in. Whether or not the
fundamental feeling inside me about helping people and in what manner changes I
have no idea. I pretty much like doing
program work with people, even though currently I feel like crap which affects
my mood, I am confident when I no longer suffer from the crushing weight of,
well all this weigh that I will feel better.
I have some issues that I will have the rest of my life, but to be able
to wake up every day and feel refreshed and not tired is a gift I cannot wait
to unwrap, I cannot recall a time when I did not wake up tired, grumpy, and
worn out.
I see flashes of what the future may hold for me and some of
them make sense and I know they will be good; I just have to get there. Other things that I “thought” I wanted to do are not so clear anymore. This
is a great example of living in the now because I will not know what’s going to
happen until I get to that point in time.
I often have what I call awake dreams,
where I will get a flash of the future and what could lie ahead for me, they
are vivid, real, and I can almost touch/taste/feel them. They are different say from my day dreams of
being a rock star *chuckles* it’s almost like flashes of what is to come, IF I
do the work to get there. I believe
they are my HP showing me what is possible if I would just surrender and get
with the program. I am a world away from
where I was last year at this time, I can see that. I am not perfect, far from it and never will
be, but I can still feel a little piece of something holding on inside of
me. It’s kind of like as a child when
that tooth is just hanging there and you want it to come out so bad, but it’s
just hanging on. Well ok that analogy
made a lot more sense in my mind , now that it’s out I am not so sure it
applies *chuckles* I have had similar
awake dreams in the past. There was a
time I could “see” myself being a successful standup comedian. When my best friend was alive we fed off each
other, I could be myself around him which allowed me to fully tap into my
potential without fear. He often told me
I should go into standup, but I was so afraid of failure that it paralyzed
me. With a lot of hard work I truly
believe that I could have attained fame and fortune with him at my side helping
me write material. I could SEE that
future in my mind crystal clear, it was real yet fear kept me from it; or
perhaps it was my HP at work before I realized it. If that dream had become reality I would not
be here right now, I would have crashed and burned in a spectacular tragic ball
of fire, either drugs or alcohol would have gotten me. For once in my life I believe fear saved my
life. Now I stand at the cross roads
again, and I have amazing potential and possibilities in front of me. Nothing will be possible without this program
and my HP’S help, and learning the value of hard work. I am kind of lazy a lot of the time, only
doing as much as it takes to get by.
This is both a blessing and a curse at times, sometimes it keeps me in a
holding pattern until I learn a lesson and I am ready to move forward. I am slowly learning all the time; all I can
do right now is suit up, show up and do the work every day.
Plan of action
Pray (did it as soon as I woke)
Submitted meal plan (yes all done)
Stick to meal plan as written and report any changes
Make daily call to Phil (done)
Pray before and after my meals
Text Phil before and after my meals
Make 2 recovery calls today and be of service
Read positive literature and listen to positive files
Rodney laying in a pile of catnip, he say's stop judging him
Rodney drinking out of the bathroom sink
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