The cave.report.1.4.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE and I was abstinent yesterday.  I had a decent day yesterday I have no  complaints.  I misplaced my big book which was a bit troublesome.  I was supposed to do a BB study with Phil this morning but I left it in the living room yesterday and it was picked up and moved on me.  That isn’t anyone’s fault but mine, I am going to purchase another copy of the BB that will stay in my room so I can avoid this in the future, this is the 2nd time it has happened.  I have actually been wanting to purchase a large print edition of the BB…If you know of a place I can get one I would really appreciate it.  I have been poking around online but cannot seem to find a 4th edition that is large print.

I was calm, cool and collected yesterday.  I did not snap or get upset with my mom or anyone else really.  I believe that my anger towards my mom has to do with a number of things.  I believe I am still angry with her for things that happened in my childhood, there were a couple of key events I feel like could have changed my life and the whole families if only she had done…….But it’s not my place to judge her or her actions, yet I carry the resentment with me.  I am a lot more like my mom that I care to admit


 We both are very forgetful and often react emotionally to situations, She asks a million and one questions during the day, I am usually a pretty quiet person not saying much, but if I am trying to understand something I can ask a ton of questions as well, I do not like this because it makes me feel stupid when I cannot grasp something.  I am here every day dealing with a difficult situation, living in the same home as my mom at the age of 41 is not where I saw myself.  We both have mental health issues, addiction issues so it’s an often tense and trying situation.  

I gave up my apartment to come and live with her because she did not want to live alone after a traumatic event.  I am kind of private and prefer solitude, so this is tough on me.   I also see my mom aging a little bit every day, I see her mental state slip even if it’s only a fraction of an inch every day, especially since her car accident.

  That scares me, and I don’t like that feeling of fear, on other area of my life I am able to navigate the fear, with my mom it has a strangle hold on me.  I know my time with her is limited , then again my time with everyone is limited *chuckles* but I know that we don’t have that much time left together, who knows how much it is.  I am living in fear of the future, yet I am not able to stay in the now like I am with most things in my life.  I had a very rough childhood growing up, our family is not that “close” these days.  We all have our own lives and we rarely come together.  If someone is in trouble or needs help we are all right there, but aside from that we all kind of navigate our own path.

  My father is different from my brothers and sisters, I have always felt like an outsider, a man without a country so to speak.  They don’t view me as anything but a brother yet I feel so alone.  Which is kind of amusing because my brother just spoke to me the other night on the phone and reassured me of that very thing that I am not alone.  It felt good at the time.  My mom feels like the last tether I have to the “family”  I also feel like she is the one person in the family that truly loves and cares about me, and once she is gone I will be totally lost and adrift in life.

 She is one of the reasons I have not fallen off the face of the earth or harmed myself in recent years.  I do not want to leave her alone, I am terrified of what might happen once she is gone, once I feel like I am not longer anchored so to speak.  Actually “saying” it out loud right now filled me with immense fear.  My life is going better than it has in a great number of years, I am doing well, getting healthy, working the program.  I still have depression issues that are not doing bad right now I am getting by.   Despite being on medicine they can flare up at any time and throw me into a dark pit of depression.  I am sitting here right now shaking  and very fearful.  I have plenty of people both in program and out of program who love and care about me, I am not truly alone.

 I know that I am not alone, yet I cannot shake the fear inside of me, I have thought these things for years now, I have never once said them out loud, not like this; granted I am typing them *chuckles* but I am just now realizing how….well I don’t even know what I have realized but I know it’s something pretty significant, this is a major issue in my life.
Well this is not where I saw this report going this morning, I have no idea where the hell it came from.  Perhaps my HP is trying to show me how truly damaged and messed up I am below the surface, I knew it was there but to actually look at and see the wound is…well it something  else.

I was feeling pretty good when I started now I feel..I don’t know, drained and a bit depressed; funny how life can turn on a dime hmmmm perhaps that is the lesson I am trying to be taught this morning

POA for the day (plan of action)

Pray (did it as soon as I woke up)
Submit meal plan (done)
Stick to my meal plan as written report any changes
Pray before and after meals
Text Phil before and after meals
Call Phil to report in daily
Mediate for 2 minutes
Find my big book and re-read There is a solution
Listen to a speaker file on the BB
Make or take at least 2 recovery calls
Keep working on the skype recovery meetings