Heat of the moment.9.19.13

**Food Mentioned** please skip if mention of specific food triggers you **Food Mentioned**

 Good morning

I hope this finds you well.  Yesterday was a decent enough day for me;  It made 10 days abstinent and thankfully I was able to reach out to Phil to avert a near disaster.  I had a strong craving for chocolate chip cookie dough yesterday.  I made my shopping list and had the person that comes into assist us go get the things we needed for the house, as well as the cookie dough.

Most of the time this person does things their own way regardless of how I want things done which

Annoys the crap out of me, yesterday it actually benefited me however I was still upset.

When they came back from the store they proceeded to cover each item they purchased.  I was quickly putting things away; I left the cookie dough for last intending on grabbing it and taking it upstairs with me.  Well I turned around for a split second and next thing I know She has it in her handing holding it up trying to tell me why she bought the brand she bought, I told her it was fine and reached for it and she kept trying to explain the purchase, despite my repeated statements that it was fine and to just give it to me.  We she finished her speech at which point I was not pleased, my mom grabbed it and said "oh you don't need that give it to me" at which point I got really pissed, grabbed it and threw it in the fridge.  I went upstairs to sulk and stew about it.  I knew at that point I wasn’t going to eat it that I needed to return it to the store.  In order to cover my bets I texted 

Phil to let him know of my near slip, the phone instantly rang at which point I rolled my eyes but I

answered it anyways, I was still in sulking mode and not ready to deal with it, but thankfully Phil

believes in dealing with things head on.  We discussed the reasons for buying it, which was "I wanted it" he asked me where it was I told him in the fridge and I was going to return it, he said "no go get

it and put it in the sink".  I said ok I will, he said "no now"  I said that someone was doing dishes,

he said "that’s fine tell them you can get in there its important" I was fearful at that point, I don't

mind admitting to program people my mistakes and weakness's but I really didn't want "normal" people

involved, despite the fact I already involved this person on the sly.  I went downstairs and thankfully the kitchen was empty so I got the roll of dough out, slit it long ways and peeled it open. 

 I covered it in Palmolive dish liquid and then squished it in, and then Phil had me run water over it to ensure that I could not salvage any of it later.  I then threw it away.  I felt both good and bad when done.  It felt good that I didn't throw away 8 days of abstinence over something as worthless as that, but it still felt uncomfortable inside, but I dealt with it.

I was able to a short time later give service of my own.  I have a person who calls me from time to time for advice.  Admittedly it makes me a hair bit resentful and I roll my eyes when the call comes in yet I answer it 99% of the time, other people make time when I call its my responsibility when someone else calls.  I am not this persons sponsor but they call me to help them figure out what to eat for supper or talk about the challenges they are going through.  I usually never have more to offer then what has been shared with me by my sponsors or my own experience which is how it should be.

This person has a rough home life and is responsible for shopping and preparing meals for the family, they must have trigger foods in the house, and shop for those triggers foods due to others in the house wanting them.  It is simple to just tell them to let others do the shopping or cooking however that doesn't work in this situation they are forced into that roll.

They needed to go to the store yesterday and were worried about buying things that trigger them due to high anxiety they were experiencing.  I whipped out some wonderful advice my sponsor gave me, Make a list, put NO IMPULSE BUYING at the top, get in, get what you need and get out.  They were very skeptical they could get it done.  I said look call me if you run into trouble, if you make a list, if you follow the list you will have no problems.  I got a call a short time later, I asked how they were doing "wellllll" I kind of figure that maybe things had taken a wrong turn, but they had not.  The person was standing in an isle that is full of trigger foods because they needed something on their list in there and did not think they could pull it off.  I asked if they picked up anything not on the list yet, they said no, I said GREAT then keep going, you can do this, I believe in you.  Despite being very skeptical they agreed and hung up. 

 A short time later the phone rang again, they had competed the shopping but due to physical reasons had to sit down outside the store for a while before making the trip home, they were still very worried about picking up.  I said look you did it!!! You go through, you didn't buy anything not on the list GREAT JOB!!!!.  They were not nearly as excited about it as I was *chuckles*  They were still filled with high anxiety and felt like they wanted to pick up, I said that’s fine the feeling won't kill you, it’s not comfortable or easy but you can make it through this.  They are under the impression that the stuff I offer from my own experience is "easy" for me to do, I had to laugh, not in a cruel way but it was amusing because that’s exactly how I feel when my sponsors or other people tell me to do stuff, I scornfully think yeah it’s easy for you but you’re not here right now going through this!!  But they have before and that’s why they can offer me the advice they do.  I got a taste of what it’s like to deal with me yesterday *chuckles* all the fears and doubts they had, I have had, some of them only a few minutes before.  I shared what I have done or what my sponsors had instructed me to do.  I told them that it won't feel good, it’s going to feel very uncomfortable at times but that feeling won't kill them, nor will it kill me.  And they got through it.  I didn't feel so good about getting rid of the cookie dough, but I did feel good giving service to this person.  Doing the right thing didn’t feel comfortable to me, but being of service to someone else did, my pain and suffering means something when I go outside myself and try and help another suffering person.  I am starting to really understand the value of service.  I often come across things in my daily life that are not program specific however they theme is always the same, get your needs met by first helping others get theirs met.  By not being selfish and giving my time and energy to help someone else in what they are doing, it will in turn help me reach my own goals

Goals for the day
Pray & mediate
Submit meal plan (done)
Pray before/after meals
Text Phil before/after meals
Be of service when I can
Take recovery actions through the day
pray & meditate