Sunshine on my shoulder.report.9.6.13

My day isn't even half over and I have already destroyed my caloric intake for the day  I gave into my darkness and despair thinking a large XXX would make me feel better.  It didn't, all it did was push me further into depression and despair.  I was making a post on myfitnesspal to add my food in and see how much damage I did, when I read a post by a guy and it said "in 19 months I have lost 262 pounds, new me, new life"

 I never read the posts on there but for whatever reason I decided to read that one.  I could identify with just about everything he said.  I am still feeling pretty beaten and broken right now, but that post gave me a glimmer of hope that I didn't have before I read it.

I really wasn't going to post in here today, but I did it anyways.  I am not trying to get sympathy or anything of that nature.  I did it to show that despite REALLLYYY not wanting to I did it anyways, that I walk the walk and not just talk the talk.  I feel like a big sack of dog s*** right now.  I could have just posted and not said anything to anyone, but that would have been dishonest.  It’s important for me to share as much as possible.  People often say I inspire them, I have to kind of laugh.

 I sure don't feel very inspired most of the time, most of my days are kicking, screaming, tooth and nail fight.  It’s not easy.  I guess maybe when I am having a good day it looks easy.  Most of the time when I am feeling like this I just don't post so all people may see if the positive stuff I write.  It’s not all sunshine and puppies that’s for sure, there is alot of dark days and even wondering why I bother anymore.  Some days it would just be nice to not wake up, not that I want to die, but I sure as hell don't want to keep doing like I did today.  The pain is far too great and I suck at sitting with pain.  I am told it won't kill me, and that is probably true but in the heat of the moment I break like a wooden hut in a hurricane.  I find it hard to inspire myself most days so it’s almost amusing that other people say that I inspire them. I feel like a fake and fraud, if they only knew how freaking hard it is day in and day out, the battle that goes on in my mind.

  Most days I feel lucky to be able to crawl into bed and call it a day.  I guess the point of this is it’s not easy for any of us.  We might all have different lives and different challenges, but at the end of the day we are not so different.  So if you sit there and think you can't make it, that you won't ever win this battle with your weight, I understand all too well.  That’s half my problem is I think "I" can't win, and that’s the truth, I can't.  That’s more than apparent, yet I have not been willing to let go and surrender.  I keep thinking I am, I Keep saying I am, yet I end up right back in the same ****** ******* spot again.  I REALLY had to curse there but censored myself, you’re welcome ;)

I don't understand why I keep taking my will back, thinking that I know best, I don't know best.  I get so angry and resentful when people, good people who I trust and have asked to help me try to help me, I get so angry and the FU mentality sinks in, and then Pandora’s box (not the cool web streaming site) opens up like today.

*LAUGHS* John Denver: Sunshine on my Shoulder is playing right now.  It’s funny because I was going to call this blog Symphony of Destruction by Megadeth, perhaps this is a sign.

I am just as screwed up as anyone else, maybe even more.  If I can drag my sorry a** on here every day (mostly) and do things I don't want to do, you can too.  That’s the definition of motivation, doing what needs to be done regardless of how we feel.  If I waited to post this until I felt like it, you guys would never get any blogs from me.  Well that’s not true, but they would be fewer and far between believe me.  I do it, and force myself to do it because I know that no matter what I stuff into me to destroy myself with, that things like this are my medicine, I don't like the taste of it, but then again the good medicine always tastes horrible anyways.  I might not be steady but I am on my feet, ok so I might be leaning against a wall..but I am up.

 Greg