run run away.report.2.9.14

Good afternoon

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday.  It was tough I did have thoughts of eating unhealthy things.  Someone who is staying in our home left some candy laying around, I picked it up and put it in a bag, out of sight out of mind.  I now know why Phil is always telling me not to taste things, I was bringing groceries in yesterday and dropped a container of flavored coffee creamer.  Picking it up I got some on my hand and instinctively taste it, BIG MISTAKE.  The taste immediately triggered me badly, I almost wanted to pull the cap off and drink it right from the bottle, it was a total minute of insanity to be sure.  Later on in the night I was still thinking about this and the other candy around the house, I wanted SO badly to have some, I got an orange and some kiwi instead and hung in there.  It was actually kind of frightening how powerful and vicious the craving was from a drop of the stuff on my hand.    I am always reading this article or some list people post of Facebook and usually chuckle them off or share if they are really good.  Today I found once called 15 Things That Emotionally Strong People Don’t Do, it piqued my curiosity so I took a gander.  It was almost like the OA yard stick, I hit just about all of them only on the other side of the spectrum.  I desperately crave almost all the things on the list despite lying to myself on a daily basis saying I don’t care what others think and I am fine by myself.  I felt a little bad initially but then I thought that my HP and the program will help me turn all those things around.  It was really good to read that stuff as a reminder of what I am going through, what I have accomplished and the direction I still need to go in.   Ill share the link below in case anyone is interested.

http://elitedaily.com/life/15-things-that-emotionally-strong-people-dont-do/

Plan of Action

Submit meal plan (done)

Stick to my meal plan as written.

Prayed  (done)

Call Phil (left message)

Pray before and after meals

Text Phil before and after my meals

Make 2 recovery calls

Be of service and chair a meeting

tangerine.report.2.7.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday.
I had a decent day food wise; I was a little bummed out over someone I met through the rooms leaving the program.  I was kind of hurt that they no longer wanted to associate with me, but Phil as always told me exactly what I wanted to hear.  That person needs to do what they need to do for them, I need to focus on program and use that as an example to strive forward with my HP and recovery, he also said "look back but don't stare" for whatever reason that really struck me.

I don't do well when dealing with painful feelings (hence the COE)  I see people within my own home struggling with their addictions, I feel like I am trapped between them.  I am upset and grumpy all the time because THEY are not taking care of themselves.  They aren't doing anything to me specifically but I am taking inventory like, well I am taking inventory, I need to remind myself to stick to my own back yard because I have PLENTY to do to keep me occupied.  Still it’s painful to see people who make the excuses I made, who lie to themselves and others, who are destroying themselves and KNOW IT, yet do it anyways.  I was one of those people, I am a bite away from being one of those people again, perhaps that’s why I am so upset because it scares me to think of how quickly my world can come crashing down if I am not vigilant.  I know Phil is right and I just need to push forward, it’s just difficult then again no one ever said this would be easy.   I don’t like feeling sad but it’s a part of life, so often I want to tell others how to save themselves but it’s not my job, I am only responsible for me.  Life is tough sometimes but I have to do what I have to do.

Plan of Action

Prayed (did it soon as my feet hit the floor)
Submit meal plan (done)
Stick to Call Phil (done)
my meal plan as written report ANY changes
Pray before and after my meals
Text Phil before and after my meals
Read literature
Reach out to others and be of service

behind blue eyes.report.2.6.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE and I was not abstinent yesterday.  I felt like I was hungry last night before bed and I had a piece of **** out of the fridge.  I did not check in with my food sponsor on this I made the choice myself which is not good.

I felt embarrassed having to check in this morning and report that “I” did what “I” wanted, I didn’t think of it as a big deal at the time; however Phil summed it up by simply saying I wasn’t willing, which is true.  I was not willing last night to pray, or call him for suggestion; I made the choice on my own.  Even as I sit here now I am thinking WELLLLLL it’s not as bad as when I would eat a whole large ****** that’s progress right? Yes it is indeed progress but I often hide behind the progress not perfection slogan.

  It’s important not to beat myself up about the compulsive things that I do, but I need to take action to make sure it doesn’t happen again, however it’s also possible to hide behind that slogan as well, at least for me. I have often sat in meetings or talked to others and heard them rationalize about why they still eat this, or moderate that.  Inside I shake my head and think “I am glad that’s not me” BUT IT IS ME! It’s that self centered arrogance that lurks just below the surface.   Phil has me pegged right down as suffering from selfish self-centeredness.  I try to tell myself that’s not true because I do A,B,C on a daily basis to “help” other people, but I don’t do it joyfully;  I do it because I “have” too, or feel like I do.  That tears me up as I sit here and thinking about it.
It all comes back to surrender, which I have not fully done yet, I had it summed up to me by James in an email this morning that really made sense to me which I will share now

“Here is one way to think about surrendering. Imagine two armies have been fighting each other, and one side has defeated the other side. So the defeated army meets with the victorious army to surrender. The defeated soldiers stand before the victorious soldiers, and they start to lay down their weapons. However the commanding general of the victorious army tells them to keep their weapons and to come stand in the ranks next to his army. In other words, he has them join his victorious army.
    This, of course, is an analogy about the kind of surrender we can and should have in OA.  Don't think of it as "giving up." Instead thing about it as going over to the winning side. Your best approach to life has not worked. It has resulted in great mental and physical pain for you. So instead surrender to a better more healthy approach (The OA 12-Step Program) that does work. In other words, go over to the winning side.  Furthermore, the more complete your surrender, the more recovery you will gain”


I never thought about it like this before, I always thought about surrendering as being “bad” even though I knew that was not the purpose, that was the unconscious though I had about it.

Plan of Action
Pray (as soon as I woke)
Submitted meal plan (done)
Stick to my meal plan as written report ANY changes
Pray before and after my meals
Text Phil before and after my meals
Call Phil to report in (done)
Be of service by making 2 recovery calls
Re-read my big book section more on Alcoholism to see what I highlighted, listen to a file on meditation

times like these.report.2.5.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday
I had a decent day yesterday, made 2 recovery calls; I failed to read literature (I took care of that for today by doing it now)

I don’t know if I spoke about this or not, things are very foggy for me this morning.  I realized in therapy the other day I have made great strides in the program with the help of my HP.  However I realized there is a sliver of self will still holding, it’s like I am hanging by my finger tips’.  A little part of me refuses to fully let go and surrender.  I also realized that program isn’t the most important thing in my life, don’t get me wrong I work on it pretty much every day, but it’s not at the forefront of my day.   Certain things are easy to do on the fly or on the move.  Usually the more time consuming things such as reading my big book, or listening to a file either program related or not seem to take a back seat more often than not.  Those are 2 areas that I just realized a few days ago, before this I had no idea (well it wasn’t conscious anyways)

Plan of Action for the day

Pray (did it)

Submit meal plan (yep it’s done)

Stick to my meal plan as written report ANY changes (this is one area where self will rears its head)
Call Phil

Pray before and after my meals

Text Phil before and after my meals

Make 2 recovery calls

Read my BB and highlight

fake it.report.2.4.14

Good morning

my name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE I was abstinent yesterday.

I made 4 recovery calls yesterday, and read literature.

I also made amends with my mom by writing out how I was feeling about how I treat her.  She appreciated it, I just need to work on being mindful of my tone of voice and how I respond when I am home.  I do not treat other people like that outside of the home because they might call the police if I start cursing and yelling in the middle of Walmart.  At home my guard is down and I do it because I can get away with it, I am going to work on this behavior.

Plan of Action

prayed (soon as my feet touched down)
submitted meal plan (10-4)
stick to meal plan as written and report any changes to Phil
call Phil
pray before and after my meals
text Phil before and after my meals
make 2 recovery calls
read literature and listen to positive files

Somebody told me.report.2.3.14

Good morning;

My name is Greg I am a grateful recovering COE, I do not believe I was abstinent yesterday.  I did not overeat, eat any trigger foods, or participate in any of my abnormal overeating type behaviors; however I could not shovel the food into my mouth fast enough yesterday.  My breakfast was gone in a flash, and my lunch was shoveled in just as fast.  I am not certain as to why I was behaving like this, I was angry and anxious at supper, and however breakfast was calm and peaceful.  I felt like I was eating compulsively despite eating within the parameters of my definition of abstinence.  When I was at the eating disorder clinic they associated eating fast with binging and would correct me on it...ever since then it has always made me feel like I was not abstinent when I ate quickly.  I have done it my whole life since childhood, it was due to fear, part of the reason is I was afraid I would not get seconds, the primary fear was the unpredictability of my step-father.  Saying or doing the wrong thing could cause any number of things to happen, I wanted to get done my meal as fast as possible and get the hell out.

I will consult my food sponsor to see what his suggestion on if this was a break, slip or what exactly it was.  I struggled with anger all day yesterday, there was not a reason I can determine.  I was just run down and angry.

Plan for the day

Prayed (as soon as my feet hit the floor)
Submitted meal plan (done)
I will stick to my meal plan as written and report any changes to Phil
I will pray before and after my meals
I will text Phil before and after my meals
I will reach out and make 2 recovery calls today
I will read literature and prepare materials to let people know about the meeting in town.

**UPDATE**
after talking with Phil we decided it is sloppy but I stuck to the plan and did not eat things I was not supposed to so i was abstinent yesterday
Greg

ultra mega.report.2.12.14

Good morning

My name is Greg I am a grateful, recovering COE, I was abstinent yesterday

Not much to say this morning, everything is ok just going to handle business


Plan of Action

Submit meal plan

Stick to meal plan as written

pray before and after meals

text Phil before and after meals

Make recovery calls

lead Skype meeting