Back in Black.report.8.14.13

**my email to my sponsor today**

Good morning
I hope this finds you well.  I did well for most of my day yesterday.  I don't know what was going on last night but I had a powerful craving to eat.  I rooted through the fridge to find something and came up empty.  I ended up having a wrap with some meat in it.

I wanted something other than that, something with sugar in it. I am not sure why, there were no outside factors at work I could tell.  Things were actually very calm and peaceful.  Once again I did not call or text anyone for assistance, I didn't even pray.  I feel it had something to do with no starting my day off properly, among other things.  It seems when I start my day off with proper prayer and meditation and vocal practice things seem to go smoother, not always perfect but smoother. 

The least few nights (since Sunday) I have not slept at all so my 3 am wake up time gets pushed to 4 or 4:30 and I get up and walk out the door to go to the station to do my recording.  I was actually just thinking I could pray in the car to work, it’s a very short trip, like 2 minutes but I could still accomplish something, I usually practice my voice warm ups in that short time so I am ready to go. I’ll have to come up with some abbreviated prayers I can say, and instead of my 10 minutes of meditation perhaps I will just sit and do 10 mindful breaths.

 It’s not how I want to start my day but I won't always be able to start it how I want so I will do the best that I can.  I am still anxious and hopeful that the DR can provide me with some help in the sleep department.  I am not really thrilled about pills to help me sleep but I have heard and read some positive things, and at this point I will try anything until I can accomplish it naturally

Goals for the Day
Pray
Submit meal plan (done)
Stick to meal plan as written
Pray before and after my meals
Text Phil before and after my meals
Be of service where I can
Pray
Do something for my recovery every hour, use the alarm on my phone as a reminder
Pray

No rest fo the wicked.report.8.13.13

**email I sent to my sponsor today**

Good morning
Yesterday was a good day for me.  I was in constant contact with my food sponsor.  I did have a bit more meat with my supper than I had planned for, I did immediately report this to my food sponsor.

I was still a little hungry and didn't exactly have the meal I planned.  My meal was to be meat, potato, salad.  I just wasn't feeling the salad or potato last night it was a little warm at supper time. So I helped myself to a little more meat.  I understand this is not something I can just do, I am a little proud of myself for reporting it to my food sponsor, normally something like that would not be mentioned and swept under the rug as not that important.  But I felt like I needed to let him know.

The rest of the day was ok, was tired and run down but that may be changing soon.  The Dr is working on a sleep aid for me that might help me sleep through the night and feel decent the next day, I am hopeful.  I think being more active in my day is helping.  I don't always feel "good" and sometimes I am grumpy and depressed, however I have stuck with doing my daily routine for more than a few days now.  It seems to help other people when I share and it makes me feel of use to do stuff for others.

Goals for the day:
Prayed
Submit meal plan (done)
Stick with meal plan as written
Pray before and after my meals
Text food sponsor before and after meals
Pray
Be of service where I can
Do something for my recovery where I can
Pray

Drift Away.report.8.12.13

(letter to my sponsor this morning)

Good morning James

I hope this finds you well.

I had a great day yesterday right up until the end.  My food was great for most of the day. I texted Phil with my food.  I didn't feel much like lunch so I had a light lunch of fruit and veggies which was good.

Where I tripped up was at the very end of my day I found something I should not have had.  We have a box of dried cereal that is sitting in the kitchen waiting to be given away to someone.  A few boxes of the cereal looked good and I wanted to try them.  I avoided them all day with relative ease.  I got into trouble when I spied a box of "diet" snacks" they were little sugar free cookies.  I let the excuse of stress allow me to reach out and grab it.  I had done a pretty good job of being patient and helpful with mom.  She was kind of bent out of shape due to feeding time with the cats, we have 5 and they can be "challenging" at supper time. I let myself feed into her anxiety.  I had done a pretty good job up until that point, I am in NO way saying it’s her fault at all, this is all on me.  I should have asked for the box of food to be moved elsewhere.  It’s still a bit of sore spot of having stuff in the house that is a trigger or temptation for me when we don't need it there.  It’s not even being used by us it just sits there waiting for someone to pick it up.  She has someone in mind it’s just a matter of meeting up with them.  It shouldn't  be there to begin with, we both have similar issues with similar types of food yet week after week this stuff is brought it.  But that’s my resentment to deal with, it’s my issue that I grabbed the box of cookies and ate them.  I did pray multiple times, and I even picked up the box and put it down several times.  I had a difficult time opening the box and the cookies themselves but still I pushed forward till I got what I wanted.  The one thing I didn't do that was screaming in my head was to use my phone for help.  I talked myself out of that because part of me wanted to eat them, then again I didn't really want too.  I think I ate them because it’s what I have always done.  It wasn't the same type of compulsive behavior as I have experienced in the past.  I mean it was but it was kind of like compulsive light.  I almost avoid the situation and I almost picked up the phone to call, not that almost really amounts to a hill a beans.  I don't think I can really explain what I am thinking at this point.  All I can say is it never should have happened and I am very disappointed that I didn't use my tools to help myself.  I do feel confident; I guess I have faith that next time my HP and I will do what is necessary to avoid the temptations.

Goals for today

PRAY

Submit meal plan (done)

Stick to meal plan as written

Pray before and after my meals

Text Phil before and after my meals

Be of service where I can

Pray

Do something for my recovery every hour of my day

Work on my vocal training

Work on cleaning up my space upstairs, create a plan and do it in manageable steps.

Pray

Video killed the radio star.report8.11.13

Good morning
yesterday was a good day for me. My sponsor said he believes I had a spiritual experience yesterday, I hope that it in fact was

I started my day of with meditation and prayer, I was of service a little bit. I don't have much else to say right now. I hope you have a great day

goals for the day

PRAY
submit meal plan (done)
PRAY before and after my meals
text my food sponsor before and after my meals
be of service where I can
pray
do something for my recovery every hour, I will use my phone alarm to let me know its time

Back in the High Life again.8.10.13

**This is the email I sent my sponsor today**

Good morning
I hope this finds you well. I am actually doing well this morning. I have come out the other side of my dark cloud, today is really a good day to be alive.

I started my day off right with meditation and prayers that I got from you and from the big book. I then listened to a speaker file. I had actually started to listen to one file but another one started playing, I decided to go with it and listened. It ended up being just what I needed to hear.

The speaker talked about the concept of a Higher Power and how they had once heard someone say that whatever the force was behind the wind blowing, whatever makes the food grow out of the ground, that makes the sun shine, THAT is their higher power. It made sense to me at the moment but didn’t really hit home until ½ hour later.

I finished the file and decided to call the person because I kind of know them and say thank you. I could not reach them so I decided to call Phil to say hello. He was engaged and said he would call me right back. So I sat there in my chair and looked out the window. The sun was shining; the wind was blowing a cool breeze into my room. I read a post from a person on a website I often frequent that has to do with health called sparkpeople.com, it really touched me. All of a sudden a bunch of small “coincidences” that happened over the last few days all fused together into a clear picture.

A co-worker called me yesterday to check in and see how I was doing; she hadn’t seen me all week. My hours are very early before anyone else comes in; her call made my day and made me feel a bit better. Then the speaker file this morning, the note from the other person on the web site and just watching the breeze blowing outside I had a bit of a spiritual awakening. I realize there IS a Higher Power in my life; I choose to call that power God because I don’t know what else to call it. I am not a religious person, I don’t attend church, I don’t believe in anyone’s particular “version” of God, I just focus on my own personal relationship with a power greater than myself.

I don’t judge or even care about anyone else’s relationship with their Higher Power. That is a personal choice for all of us to make; it’s not more my business what they believe than what I believe. I very much dislike other people trying to push their views on me. I respect their choice to believe it but stop cramming it down my throat ;) I am not directing this at anyone I enjoy hearing other people’s views on their beliefs and faith. It’s when we get into the whole “I’m right and your wrong and you’re going to hell because of it” that I tend to get disinterested.

2 days ago I wasn’t quite sure I was going to make it; the mental/physical pain was so great. But I didn’t give up, I did give into my disease and binge and eat foods that are not healthy to me. But I did not wander off, I got up the next day and (begrudgingly) did my meal plan, wrote my emails, did my daily words of encouragement and the other things I do. Sometimes I really have to grit my teeth and force myself to do these things but I have gotten better at accomplishing them more times than not.

I feel a bit tired and I feel some pain coming on, but all is well right now. I am happy and VERY grateful to have woken up this morning, and even more grateful for all the people in my life who believe in me, support me, and don’t give up on me even when I give up on myself. I cannot find the words to thank them, so a simple Thank you will have to do.

Goals for today
Pray
Submit my meal plan and listen to my food sponsors suggestions for my plan (submitted it)
Pray before my meals and give thanks after
Text my food sponsor before and after my meals
Work to be of service to my mom and others
Pray
Do something for my recovery every hour of my day; I will use the alarm on my phone to remind me to do this
Pray

Don't worry be Happy.8.9.13

Sitting here listening to Walking on Sunshine  by Katrina and the Waves is having the desire effect I guess, actually I had to switch over to Don't worry be happy the other one made me want to kick the monitor off the desk.

**READ FIRST BEFORE YOU READ**
This blog isn't the most cheerful today so be warned.  It talks about depression and suicide.
if this stuff bothers you then please skip my blog

I write my sponsor for the food program i am in almost everyday, I then I usually share here, not for attention but more for a running log of my journey.  At this particular point in time its very ugly and not much fun.  Once in a while someone reads it and they can relate to what I am going through and it helps them to know they are not alone, someone else out here is suffering and struggling just as they are.  Although I appreciate the kind words and thoughts my intention is not for pity or people to feel bad for me.  Its only to chronicle my journey from the edge of despair back to a happy, sane and useful life.



Good morning

Yesterday was not a particularly good day for me.  I went to my regular DR and mentioned my depression and suicidal thoughts.  They advised me to go to my therapist for a evaluation which I did.
I really don't remember what was said but I know I felt a bit better when leaving there.  My day food wise was horrible; I followed no meal plan and ate what I wanted.  The sick side of me knew that I would be back today so I took advantage of it yesterday.
I almost always seem to know when I go out, that I will come back the next day.  I don't know if that makes it easier to justify in my mind, I am really not sure.  I do admit for a few minutes I sat thinking maybe I could figure out how to beat this on my own and I don't need the program.  It’s too hard, I am too resentful of people telling me what to do, what to eat, what not to eat, do this, do that. Despite my best efforts to surrender, pray, work the program I am filled with resentment everyday about one thing or another program wise.  I feel like no matter what I do there is always some little thing that is being picked at.  That resentment builds and builds along with other factors until I have days like I did yesterday.  Not that it’s anyone's fault but mine.

I do remember we talked about change and how when something is painful enough that change will happen.  my food sponsor  has often said maybe I don't hurt enough yet to want to change.  I don't want that to be the case but looking at the information I am not sure what other conclusion to draw.  I know the program is the only way I will find lasting serenity in my life, yet most of the time I don't have the faith it will work.  I have a basic belief in God yet most of the time I don't have faith that he has my back.  I say the 1,2,3 step prayers on a regular basis yet they are just words, they don't hold any real meaning to me. I have pockets of faith here and there in things like God and that this will get better, but they seem to be fleeting and momentary.

Even now I sit here filled with resentment thinking about it.  It’s not just the program and people trying to help me that creates the resentment.  It’s the daily pain that I am in.  Reduction in weight will help some however my back, shoulder, and legs will never recover and will cause me pain the rest of my life. The legs are related to my weight the other pains are caused by other things.

The Dr discussed working out a pain management system.  I was taken off narcotic pain medication last year because I failed a drug test.  I had stopped taking them because I was trying to go to school, I would not accomplish my goals feeling sick all the time and "high"  I did not abuse them.  I have never had a problem with prescription drugs thankfully, which is rather amazing considering my addictive nature.  They have never held any thrill for me what so ever. My pain is almost unbearable most days.  We are going to work on a plan to find a way to manage it.  He had me write a letter to the appeal board and explain the situation, we have a good enough relationship that he knows I was not abusing it and why I stopped taking it when I did.  What happens I have no idea   We have tried multiple other things but they just have not worked.  Also he wants to try a medication which has good effects at making people sleep and avoid the hangover that the one I take now usually provides.  I don't want to be on pills forever but I need some breathing room to try and accomplish my goals, if I cannot sleep and I am in pain 24/7 things are not going to change anytime soon.  Some days I can push through it, but most I cannot and then the depression sets in and we end up where I am at now.  Deep down I don't want to die, I mean my disease wants me dead there is no question about that, but me personally I do not want to die I want to live.  But I cannot keep living like I have been, I cannot live with the crushing depression and pain, I cannot go through another winter like I did last year where this lasts for months and months.  What’s going to happen I have no idea

I submitted my meal plan
I meditated for a few minutes this morning and I prayed.
I will work on being of service to my mom and do what I can to work on my recovery as much as I can today.

I also got an email from someone I met through the email loop.  The email he sent me was almost mirror to the one I sent you yesterday.  I advised him to forward that on to his sponsor, they could not help him if they don’t know what is going on.  He was very hesitant about sending it to his sponsor, I told him it would be the best thing he could do for himself.  I hope he does.  It felt good to be of service to someone else, just sharing my email with him let him know that I am going through the exact same stuff that he is.  I often share what I write here elsewhere and sometimes it resonates with other people and they realize someone else out there is going through what they are, kind of makes what I am going through worth it.

Last night a good friend of mine took me to the movies.  I really didn’t want to go but he talked me into it and I went, I really just wanted to go to bed.  I am glad I went.  We saw Grown Ups 2 and I laughed pretty much all the way through it.  That alone helped me feel a bit better.   I didn’t feel like dying when I left the theater, they say laughter is good for the soul.  I cannot argue with that this morning.

Build me up Buttercup.8.8.13

Its going to be one of those days.  Ill do my best to get through it, I don't really feel like it, but that has little to do with what I need's to be done.  Hopefully my crappy mood and attitude shifts in a different direction sooner than later

Goals for the day

pray
submit meal plan (done)
pray before/after my meals
text my food sponsor before/after my meals
be of service where I can
work on my recovery every hour
pray