Don't worry be Happy.8.9.13

Sitting here listening to Walking on Sunshine  by Katrina and the Waves is having the desire effect I guess, actually I had to switch over to Don't worry be happy the other one made me want to kick the monitor off the desk.

**READ FIRST BEFORE YOU READ**
This blog isn't the most cheerful today so be warned.  It talks about depression and suicide.
if this stuff bothers you then please skip my blog

I write my sponsor for the food program i am in almost everyday, I then I usually share here, not for attention but more for a running log of my journey.  At this particular point in time its very ugly and not much fun.  Once in a while someone reads it and they can relate to what I am going through and it helps them to know they are not alone, someone else out here is suffering and struggling just as they are.  Although I appreciate the kind words and thoughts my intention is not for pity or people to feel bad for me.  Its only to chronicle my journey from the edge of despair back to a happy, sane and useful life.



Good morning

Yesterday was not a particularly good day for me.  I went to my regular DR and mentioned my depression and suicidal thoughts.  They advised me to go to my therapist for a evaluation which I did.
I really don't remember what was said but I know I felt a bit better when leaving there.  My day food wise was horrible; I followed no meal plan and ate what I wanted.  The sick side of me knew that I would be back today so I took advantage of it yesterday.
I almost always seem to know when I go out, that I will come back the next day.  I don't know if that makes it easier to justify in my mind, I am really not sure.  I do admit for a few minutes I sat thinking maybe I could figure out how to beat this on my own and I don't need the program.  It’s too hard, I am too resentful of people telling me what to do, what to eat, what not to eat, do this, do that. Despite my best efforts to surrender, pray, work the program I am filled with resentment everyday about one thing or another program wise.  I feel like no matter what I do there is always some little thing that is being picked at.  That resentment builds and builds along with other factors until I have days like I did yesterday.  Not that it’s anyone's fault but mine.

I do remember we talked about change and how when something is painful enough that change will happen.  my food sponsor  has often said maybe I don't hurt enough yet to want to change.  I don't want that to be the case but looking at the information I am not sure what other conclusion to draw.  I know the program is the only way I will find lasting serenity in my life, yet most of the time I don't have the faith it will work.  I have a basic belief in God yet most of the time I don't have faith that he has my back.  I say the 1,2,3 step prayers on a regular basis yet they are just words, they don't hold any real meaning to me. I have pockets of faith here and there in things like God and that this will get better, but they seem to be fleeting and momentary.

Even now I sit here filled with resentment thinking about it.  It’s not just the program and people trying to help me that creates the resentment.  It’s the daily pain that I am in.  Reduction in weight will help some however my back, shoulder, and legs will never recover and will cause me pain the rest of my life. The legs are related to my weight the other pains are caused by other things.

The Dr discussed working out a pain management system.  I was taken off narcotic pain medication last year because I failed a drug test.  I had stopped taking them because I was trying to go to school, I would not accomplish my goals feeling sick all the time and "high"  I did not abuse them.  I have never had a problem with prescription drugs thankfully, which is rather amazing considering my addictive nature.  They have never held any thrill for me what so ever. My pain is almost unbearable most days.  We are going to work on a plan to find a way to manage it.  He had me write a letter to the appeal board and explain the situation, we have a good enough relationship that he knows I was not abusing it and why I stopped taking it when I did.  What happens I have no idea   We have tried multiple other things but they just have not worked.  Also he wants to try a medication which has good effects at making people sleep and avoid the hangover that the one I take now usually provides.  I don't want to be on pills forever but I need some breathing room to try and accomplish my goals, if I cannot sleep and I am in pain 24/7 things are not going to change anytime soon.  Some days I can push through it, but most I cannot and then the depression sets in and we end up where I am at now.  Deep down I don't want to die, I mean my disease wants me dead there is no question about that, but me personally I do not want to die I want to live.  But I cannot keep living like I have been, I cannot live with the crushing depression and pain, I cannot go through another winter like I did last year where this lasts for months and months.  What’s going to happen I have no idea

I submitted my meal plan
I meditated for a few minutes this morning and I prayed.
I will work on being of service to my mom and do what I can to work on my recovery as much as I can today.

I also got an email from someone I met through the email loop.  The email he sent me was almost mirror to the one I sent you yesterday.  I advised him to forward that on to his sponsor, they could not help him if they don’t know what is going on.  He was very hesitant about sending it to his sponsor, I told him it would be the best thing he could do for himself.  I hope he does.  It felt good to be of service to someone else, just sharing my email with him let him know that I am going through the exact same stuff that he is.  I often share what I write here elsewhere and sometimes it resonates with other people and they realize someone else out there is going through what they are, kind of makes what I am going through worth it.

Last night a good friend of mine took me to the movies.  I really didn’t want to go but he talked me into it and I went, I really just wanted to go to bed.  I am glad I went.  We saw Grown Ups 2 and I laughed pretty much all the way through it.  That alone helped me feel a bit better.   I didn’t feel like dying when I left the theater, they say laughter is good for the soul.  I cannot argue with that this morning.