Don't worry be Happy.8.9.13

Sitting here listening to Walking on Sunshine  by Katrina and the Waves is having the desire effect I guess, actually I had to switch over to Don't worry be happy the other one made me want to kick the monitor off the desk.

**READ FIRST BEFORE YOU READ**
This blog isn't the most cheerful today so be warned.  It talks about depression and suicide.
if this stuff bothers you then please skip my blog

I write my sponsor for the food program i am in almost everyday, I then I usually share here, not for attention but more for a running log of my journey.  At this particular point in time its very ugly and not much fun.  Once in a while someone reads it and they can relate to what I am going through and it helps them to know they are not alone, someone else out here is suffering and struggling just as they are.  Although I appreciate the kind words and thoughts my intention is not for pity or people to feel bad for me.  Its only to chronicle my journey from the edge of despair back to a happy, sane and useful life.



Good morning

Yesterday was not a particularly good day for me.  I went to my regular DR and mentioned my depression and suicidal thoughts.  They advised me to go to my therapist for a evaluation which I did.
I really don't remember what was said but I know I felt a bit better when leaving there.  My day food wise was horrible; I followed no meal plan and ate what I wanted.  The sick side of me knew that I would be back today so I took advantage of it yesterday.
I almost always seem to know when I go out, that I will come back the next day.  I don't know if that makes it easier to justify in my mind, I am really not sure.  I do admit for a few minutes I sat thinking maybe I could figure out how to beat this on my own and I don't need the program.  It’s too hard, I am too resentful of people telling me what to do, what to eat, what not to eat, do this, do that. Despite my best efforts to surrender, pray, work the program I am filled with resentment everyday about one thing or another program wise.  I feel like no matter what I do there is always some little thing that is being picked at.  That resentment builds and builds along with other factors until I have days like I did yesterday.  Not that it’s anyone's fault but mine.

I do remember we talked about change and how when something is painful enough that change will happen.  my food sponsor  has often said maybe I don't hurt enough yet to want to change.  I don't want that to be the case but looking at the information I am not sure what other conclusion to draw.  I know the program is the only way I will find lasting serenity in my life, yet most of the time I don't have the faith it will work.  I have a basic belief in God yet most of the time I don't have faith that he has my back.  I say the 1,2,3 step prayers on a regular basis yet they are just words, they don't hold any real meaning to me. I have pockets of faith here and there in things like God and that this will get better, but they seem to be fleeting and momentary.

Even now I sit here filled with resentment thinking about it.  It’s not just the program and people trying to help me that creates the resentment.  It’s the daily pain that I am in.  Reduction in weight will help some however my back, shoulder, and legs will never recover and will cause me pain the rest of my life. The legs are related to my weight the other pains are caused by other things.

The Dr discussed working out a pain management system.  I was taken off narcotic pain medication last year because I failed a drug test.  I had stopped taking them because I was trying to go to school, I would not accomplish my goals feeling sick all the time and "high"  I did not abuse them.  I have never had a problem with prescription drugs thankfully, which is rather amazing considering my addictive nature.  They have never held any thrill for me what so ever. My pain is almost unbearable most days.  We are going to work on a plan to find a way to manage it.  He had me write a letter to the appeal board and explain the situation, we have a good enough relationship that he knows I was not abusing it and why I stopped taking it when I did.  What happens I have no idea   We have tried multiple other things but they just have not worked.  Also he wants to try a medication which has good effects at making people sleep and avoid the hangover that the one I take now usually provides.  I don't want to be on pills forever but I need some breathing room to try and accomplish my goals, if I cannot sleep and I am in pain 24/7 things are not going to change anytime soon.  Some days I can push through it, but most I cannot and then the depression sets in and we end up where I am at now.  Deep down I don't want to die, I mean my disease wants me dead there is no question about that, but me personally I do not want to die I want to live.  But I cannot keep living like I have been, I cannot live with the crushing depression and pain, I cannot go through another winter like I did last year where this lasts for months and months.  What’s going to happen I have no idea

I submitted my meal plan
I meditated for a few minutes this morning and I prayed.
I will work on being of service to my mom and do what I can to work on my recovery as much as I can today.

I also got an email from someone I met through the email loop.  The email he sent me was almost mirror to the one I sent you yesterday.  I advised him to forward that on to his sponsor, they could not help him if they don’t know what is going on.  He was very hesitant about sending it to his sponsor, I told him it would be the best thing he could do for himself.  I hope he does.  It felt good to be of service to someone else, just sharing my email with him let him know that I am going through the exact same stuff that he is.  I often share what I write here elsewhere and sometimes it resonates with other people and they realize someone else out there is going through what they are, kind of makes what I am going through worth it.

Last night a good friend of mine took me to the movies.  I really didn’t want to go but he talked me into it and I went, I really just wanted to go to bed.  I am glad I went.  We saw Grown Ups 2 and I laughed pretty much all the way through it.  That alone helped me feel a bit better.   I didn’t feel like dying when I left the theater, they say laughter is good for the soul.  I cannot argue with that this morning.

Build me up Buttercup.8.8.13

Its going to be one of those days.  Ill do my best to get through it, I don't really feel like it, but that has little to do with what I need's to be done.  Hopefully my crappy mood and attitude shifts in a different direction sooner than later

Goals for the day

pray
submit meal plan (done)
pray before/after my meals
text my food sponsor before/after my meals
be of service where I can
work on my recovery every hour
pray

And we danced.report.8.6.13

yesterday was an ok day for me, didn't really feel great.  Did my best with my program but didn't really get much accomplished.  My food was decent could have been better but could have been worse.  Not feeling that great this morning.  Feeling very worn out and exhausted.  I slept for about 9 hours, something else is going on aside from the weight I just don't know what it is yet.  Just one of those blah days today


goals for day

submit meal plan
pray before/after meals
text my food sponsor before/after meals
be of service

Fake it.report.8.5.13

**FOOD MENTIONED**
Good morning
I was not abstinent yesterday, I did well up until last night when I had a powerful craving for an ice cream bar, I gave into that craving and purchased it.  I felt badly afterwards, as I was eating it I thought that it was not helping me accomplish my goals.  I need to lose the weight to be healthy but also accomplish my career goals.  I have a chance to be part of a tv show that is being developed, that is kind of exciting.  I do have anxiety about being on camera; I do not like seeing myself in pictures and especially not on camera.  I am not sure if this will get off the ground or not.  Its being developed by a comedian friend of mine.  He asked me to be part of helping him develop it and be in it.


I hope this finds you well.  My weekend was ok. I have been having a lot of pain lately.  I am still not sleeping that great, I toss and turn all night.  Sometimes I lay there and just kind of shake, not sure why.  Some of it has to do with the nerve damage in my leg with unfortunately I will always have.

I know I am carrying around a lot of weight however I do use my machine all the time, I never sleep without it.  I don't ever wake up feeling refreshed even for a few minutes which is very frustrating for me.  I figure I should at least rest and feel refreshed even if it doesn't last long.  The Dr's and people who take care of my machine have no answers.  It’s basically as good as it’s going to get.  I don't accept that but I am unsure what the issue is.  I believe something else is amiss I am just not sure what it is.  I know losing weight will dramatically help with a lot of my issues, in the mean time I search for answers to help me to accomplish this.  If I cannot sleep it’s very difficult for me to get up the next day and do what I need to do in order to be successful.

I was not very successful yesterday in texting my food sponsor before and after my meals.  I am not certain why.  Yesterday was kind of whirl wind.  We had a Dog Whisperer come in and help mom with her dog.  I kind of scoffed when she first brought it up and asked me to help her pay for it.  I was about 15 minutes into it when I realized this was the best $$$ we had ever spent.  I was very impressed with his skills with the dog.  if you have ever watched Cesar Milan on TV its right along those lines.




Goals for the day
Pray submit meal plan (done)
Text my food sponsor  before and after my meals (I will work on being mindful of this today and avoid the mistakes of yesterday)
Pray
I will pray before my meals to help me have an abstinent meal, I will give thanks after.
I will be of service where I can, I will go home and scoop the cat box and feed the cats breakfast that will help out at home.  I will also help out wherever I can the rest of the day
I will do something for my recovery every hour
Pray

Radio Ga Ga.report.8.4.13

Good afternoon
I hope this finds you well.  Yesterday was ok for me.  Kind of an angry, resentful day.  There is no particular reason for it.  My food was sloppy, I just threw stuff together and ate, I didn't really care much about how much.  I didn't massively over eat but I didn't show my normal care when prepping meals, I really just didn't care.

I got up today and took some actions to not repeat today.  I started my day off with prayer and meditation like I have not done in quite a while, not to the extent I did this morning.  I also worked on my vocal training first thing which is not something I have done for quite a while.

I did have a good impromptu meeting last night.  A guy who was actually my teacher back in middle school is a standup comedian and he has been wanting to get some web series and radio shows off the ground.  We got together last night and kicked some ideas around.  We are going to work on putting together a pilot for a show and get in online on something like Kick start or mobcaster and see if we can get enough money to put a series together.  I have no idea how it will end up but it’s going to be fun to try anyways.  This has me really wanting to work on my program more and stick with my meal plan so that I can work on being healthier, especially if something comes from this I need the stamina, energy and determination to be able to do whatever work I have too. I feel pretty good and hopeful today. I am happy that I have a renewed drive at least for today to work my program, so I will do all I can to foster and help this drive flourish.

I texted my food sponsor before and after my breakfast and supper but lunch I totally forgot about.  I am not 100% sure why, I think my phone was in another part of the house when I was eating and I wasn't going to go get it, I meant to text when I finished but totally forgot about it.   That happens from time to time but not often.  I’ll work to make sure I have my phone handy, I guess I could always email next time if I had too, I have in the past.

I don’t remember how many calories I ate yesterday, I will do a better job of tracking those today.   I don’t know if you have a smart phone but there is an app called myfitnesspal (myfitnesspal.com)
I can track my food, my exercise and all sorts of things on there.  I have people who can friend me through there, if you can join please do and you can see my calories daily as long as I enter them.  If not I will work on using that to track them so I can report in to you.  My goals for today

pray
submit meal plan (done)
pray before my meals and after to give thanks
pray
text my food sponsor before my meals and after
be of service where I can
pray
do something for my recovery every hour when my phone alarm goes off

One night in Bangkok.report.8.3.13

Well its not a bad day today. The sun is out and all seems to be well. I don't have much to report today. Yesterday went ok. Could have gone better but could have been much worse :)
I did good with my food so I am happy about that.

Not really feeling "with it today" I don't really feel bad, just kind of here. I hope you have a great weekend

Goals for today

pray
submit my meal plan (done)
pray before/after my meals
text my food sponsor before/after my meals
pray
be of service where I can
do something for my recovery every hour
pray

She's so mean.report.8.2.13

This was a 2-part email I sent this morning.  I honestly had no intention of writing part 2 but I felt a hair bit better so I sat down to write again.   I was not real pleased when I sat down to write initially.  I don't share this stuff to complain, I share it to show the journey i am on and what happens along the way.

Good morning

yesterday sucked, car broke down, I don't feel like we needed to be in the situation to begin with so I was royally p*ssed all day yesterday..that's all I am going to discuss on the issue.  Seems like most days these days haven't been the best and all I do is complain.  Despite what happened I didn't overeat.  I have nothing else to say today.  Ill work on emails and what not tomorrow.  I need to reread all your emails, I don't think I had all of them when I sent you the text, if I am still upset after I read everything I will do the resentment and send it to phil


I’ll send a meal plan
ill pray and text before and after meals
try to work on my recovery



Well I am back again.  I don’t feel quite as grumpy and nasty as I did an hour ago.  Despite having car issues and it raining that day isn’t that bad.  I don’t know how I didn’t over eat last night, I didn’t pray or reach out for help and I was resentful from about noon time till 8 pm last night.  I am thankful that I got through the day though, in the end it all worked out ok.  I was p*ssed because the car was having issues before we left town and I really didn’t want to drive an hour away, someone else disagreed, it’s their car and their appointment so away we went.   We made it to where we were going and on the way home the car died in the middle of the road.  I limped it to the side, thankfully my brothers lived within 20 minutes and my passenger had AAA.  So we got home.  The car is being put into the garage this morning, I have no idea how I am going to pay for it.  The guy at the garage is really good to me and treats me well so I think he will work with me, just more money I don’t really have to spend.  In the end it all worked out well but I was super p*ssed last night.  I ended up walking to work this morning, which I ½ regret and ½ don’t.  My body is in pain from head to toe which is the regret part, but mentally I am kind of proud of myself, it’s only a mile but when you are carrying around a bunch of weight and have pain it can seem like a lot farther.   But I made it, I could not have made it back but I made it to work *chuckles*

I just feel like I cannot catch a break.  One thing gets under control and something else breaks or goes wrong, if I am lucky that gets resolved before something else goes amiss.  Lately the hits just seem to keep on coming.  It’s pretty depressing on top of all the other things that go on.  I realize that’s life but is it too much to ask for to have things go along at an even keel for a little amount of time? Apparently so.   But it is what it is I guess.  At least now I feel like doing my words of encouragement and gratitude, although it will be a teeth gritting gratitude this morning because I don’t feel that grateful, but I am sure I can come up with something.